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Dallas! Stars!
a Hoceky Primer

Ladies love hockey and I am no exception. LaSuprema has her
Spurs and basketball, but give me the greatest sport ever played
on ice (the article on curling, the national sport of Canada, will
be in GW #9). Nine times out of ten a hockey game is going to
beat your average rock show in terms of entertainment and
excitement, not to mention that there are no penalties for
illegal behaviors in music (can't you imagine? Two minutes in
the box for an "Are you ready to rock?"; a game misconduct for
frivolous vocorder use). Never in my life will I be tempted to
shell out as much money to see a band as I spent on a ticket to
watch the Dallas Stars play in the Stanley Cup finals. Of course,
I probably won't have to, but that's beside the point. Reunion
Arena has got to be one of the most ghetto arenas a national
champion team has ever set foot in. The place should be
cursed simply because it's the home of the inept Dallas
Mavericks, who are the only team in professional sports history
that had the luck to see their ownership situation worsen when
they were sold by Ross Perof. It's a pit. Of course, it's kind of
nice that Dallas had it in the first place so they could snag the
Minnesota North Stars. Half the crowd consists of improbably
attractive Dallas women - it could be a hockey wives' convention
for all the black-clad blondes in attendance. being Dallas, many
are of course accompanied by their older, overpaid sugar dad -
someone tagged as "the cocaine-and-boob-job crowd". Ahh,
speaking of that - Dallas metal band Pantera recorded a team
song for the Dallas Stars - it's the band's typical stoner metal,
punctuated by shouts of "Dallas!" "Stars!" and as such a
completely hockey-appropriate tune. Contrast this to the weak-
ass song some chick sang for the Buffalo Sabres during their ill-
fated run for the Cup last year - a pansy-ass piece of Andrews
Sisters pop with lyrics like, "We're gonna win that cup - hey!"
How the fuck could that make a team with a player named
Satan feel? No wonder they've been so sickly this season. They
get a team song my grandmother would get diabetes from and
Dallas gets on written by a band that also - hey! - owns one
of the best strip clubs in the state. This probably came to your

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