Austin Fanzine Project

Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck.

Ok, so my daddy gave me a free ticket to see the Rolling Stones in San Antonio a while back. Now, I knew they were gonna suck, but I didn't realize how sad it was gonna make me.

Two of my dearest friends went with me- the poor saps actually paid for their tickets- and when we got there (even after days of speculation and anticipation of a sick spectacle) our mouths fell open in sheer disgust. There were thousands of people there who had paid $62 each to see this once- great band suck.

We sat with my pop and his friends, which turned out pretty well, since whoever else we would have sat next to probably would have strangled us for our lack of enthusiasm. Not that Dad was particularly pleased with our group cynicism, but I'm his kid, so he has to love me and all.

So anyway, somewhere lurking in the back of my mind was the faintest hope that the Stones would actually put on a decent show and maybe play some old shit like, say, "Stupid Girl" or something. Of course they didn't. The show sucked hard. They mostly played their new crap and some old stuff which peaked at the level of, oh, "Beast of Burden." Aack!!

The two highlights for me were when the great plumes of red flame shot from various parts of the set (instilling hope in our hearts that we might get to witness a Michael Jackson/Pepsi-type incident) and running into Bill Jeffery

[image from a toothbrush package reading, "Replaceable Heads ...Ecologically Correct!"]

[clip art of a dictionary illustration for 'anamorphosis', and a letter to the editor from Tower Records' PULSE! magazine: 'Like a hurricane - Dear PULSE!, Much of the music I hear today can do the proverbial "knock me over with a feather" thing. MTV is still doing a great bang-up job. Rock is alive and well. After all these years, themes haven't changed, although variances and talents of artists still grow and increase inwardly and outwardly. God bless all of the hard time rockers in our great amphitheater. Gary Leonard, Uniondale, N.Y.']

[...]

in the corridor when we had reached the height of boredom. It was so good to see him instead of another chick with frosted hair, stretch jeans and highheeled faux cowboy boots.

But what made me really sad was when I came home and listened to some old Stones records searching for some clue, some foreshadowing, some bit of crap that could have been the start of their road to Aerosmithdom. I couldn't find it. All I found was their lost genius. Great fucking classic songs. Great music and twists and lyrics that lead one to believe that Mick and the baoys knew exactly what was up. I love that stuff! I totally respect it. Beggar's Banquet, you know? Excellent! What the fuck happened?

Do they know they suck? Do they just keep crankin' this shit out for the fuck of it? Cause they wanna see how much money people will lay down for this shit? How do they live with themselves? Or do they actually believe in what they are doing? Impossible!

The Rolling Stones have degenerated farther than any band in history. I mean, "Sympathy For The Devil," "You Can't Always Get What You Want," "Off My Back," versus "The Sparks Will Fly"? I mean, really guys! What is this shit? Pablum. I don't want any of it.

And then the topper: A glossy flyer ad for the Rolling Stones MasterCard! I kid you fucking not! Is that the most disgusting thing you have ever heard of, or what? I would hate it even more than OK Cola or XLent except that it's aimed at Baby Boomers and I think that's kinda funny (most of them probably love the idea!) Icky! Icky!!