Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

Letter No 9.

Lieut J. H. Massey. 1st Bn The Cheshire Regt. Middle East Forces Saturday 14 Dec 40

My darling Sweet BarbaraI still have no cable or word from you, & I am feeling very low & depressed & miserable. I cannot really admit that Iam worried - to admit that would be too ghastly to bear - but I have to persuade myself very much about everything I can think of not to worry. Nobody of all our people has yet had a letter frome home, but by now they have nearly all had calls. But not all, thank God - there are still three people apart from myself, who are in the same boat as I am. It can easily be, & probably is, that you are no longer at Warren Fields, & that is where I have addressed everything. But this week I have called Betty & my mother - it did not seem any good calling you again at the same address. And so I am still hoping & thinking of nothing else at all. It is very dreadful, darling. I think about you all the day, & cannot think about or concentrate on anything else at all. And it makes me quite incapable of writing you a decent letter. Every single day I want to write to you, but I put it off until the post & cables come in, hoping that there will be something from you, & then when there is nothing, I am downcast to write, & wait until the next day. I have not been outside this camp for two & a half weeks - & nor do I want to. Sunday I just could not go on with this last night,

& so I read Gullivers Travels for a couple of hours, & then went to bed. I don't feel very inspired this morning, but I must write as I am probably moving off from here today. You will have seen my new address at the top of this letter - & so you will be able to put two & two together & arrive at the correct answer. I shall send you a short cable today, or as soon as I know for certain that I am moving, & so I think I shall send it to you at Radsett. I must say that I am glad in a way that I am leaving here - it is deathly dull with practically no work to do - but the main trouble is, of course that now your cables & letters will come here, & will then have to be forwarded on to me, & God knows when they will catch up with me. I expect you & everybody at home will have been much cheered up by the news from Greece & from the Western Desert. It certainly is amazing the way things have gone & you can imagine that the excitement here has been intense of course I have no idea as to how things will be when I arrive, but I suppose there are bound to be a few bullets flying about, bombs dropping. You may be sure, darling, that I shall be as careful as it is possible to be - & will keep my head down. I have told you that my own & only ambition is to be together with you again - & it is an all consuming one. And I have also told you that I have no fear about being alright - & I still feel that in the same way, I feel in my hart that you are safe too - & will remain safe. It is just a week since I have written to you I have told you why. But now that I am more up in front, I suppose you will worry more, & I will write twice a week even if only short letters, & I will cable at least one a fortnight. In any

3. case until we have established proper contact & know how & where we are. And you must cable me regularly, please darling. I worry all the time, & I must know for sure that you are safe. The address at the top of this letter is the correct one for letters - for cables it is too long - except the special rate ones I told you about - & you should put - Lieutenant Massey - First Cheshires - Middle East Forces Cheshire Regiment, EGYPT. I'm afraid my darling, that I'm completely dried up, as far as letter writing is concerned. On the ship, I was able to scribble away quite happily, & when I did not feel happy I could still be fluent. During that time, I was looking forward to finding your letters waiting for me, & if not that, to be able to get in touch with you & hear from & hear your news, very soon. That was a big thing to look forward to. But now I have been here four weeks & all that I was looking forward to has not materialised - & I just feel hopeless, & quite helpless in the matter, and so what is there to write about? There was the few days leave in Cairo, when I saw many things I want to tell you about, but I just have not the heart at the moment. And so since then, nothing has happened - & my mind does nothing at all except to think about you, & wonder what you are doing - & think about our life together, & about Lisa - & about our future. But I have no heart to write about that either. And so all I have is to write about this letter & cable business, which must be becoming rather boring to you - but my entire existence is centered round that, & has been ever since I have been here. It constitutes such an

4. all important & all pervading part of my life, that if I do not write about it I am not telling you what I am doing & what I am feeling, & what my life is composed of out here. The only other thing which I have the heart to write about, is my love for you, & this is the one comforting, warming & life saving consideration, which easily suffices to keep me going. But even so, it is becoming unreal & almost difficult to imagine - simply because we are so out of touch, & I know nothing of you. These letters of mine are utter misery, my darling, & I almost feel ashamed of them, & think sometimes that I am a weak sort of person - but I know for certain that you will understand why they are like this. As I said before, as soon as you know, that I have heard from you ^^{that I} know that you are safe & well my cares & misery will fall away as if by magic, & I shall immediately be almost happy & contented, & certainly attain peace of mind. And there will be no need for you to feel worry or anxiety for me - but only to be sympathetic for the what I have had to endure for the last four weeks, & will have to until word comes from you. When I say that my love for you is difficult to imagine - I mean only at times. Really, it is more real & intense than ever before, & my imagination of you becomes more & more clear. But that is of the Barbara that I have known. From Oct 6th I know

5. nothing at all. I have talked a great deal about my own plight - & almost taken for granted your sympathy & anxiety & love for me. Again, I know you will not misunderstand me. All I tell you is what I presume presumption again - you will want to know about me. You must know that I think unceasingly of what you are doing, & trying to imagine what sort of a life you have managed to contrive for yourself. There are so many places where you may be, & so many things which you may be doing - & the whole business is so much controlled by whether you are pregnant or not - that it defeats my imagination - but not before I have imagined innumerable sets of circumstances. But whatever & wherever it may be, I do hpe with all my heart that it is an interesting & pleasant life, & that you are not being frightened by bombs. I am presuming that you have had cables, & letters from me, & therefore that you will have no worries in that direction. Oh, darling sweet darling - I do love you so much. There is no one in all the world like you, & the agony I feel at being away from you & not being able to speak to you, is beyond expression. My heart almost bursts when I think about you, as I am thinking now - literally it is nearly too much for me, & not until I know you are safe & well can I even attempt to express what I feel. My feelings are so much deeper than they have ever before been - that I cannot write about it, until