Geek Weekly #6

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Mmm. . .BEER

More forwarded e-mail. This message originated in Austin, went all over the country, and came right back to the GWHQ. You've probably heard some of these before, but hey, this rag was cheap, so whadda ya expect?

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." --Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway

He was a wise man who invented beer." --Plato

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted when you're wasted all the time." --Catherine Zandonella

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." --W.C. Fields

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." --his reply

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry

Last edit about 7 years ago by lerivoir
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"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer. I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." --Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." --Humphrey Bogart

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." --David Moulton

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." --Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." --Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting." --George Jean Nathan

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." --Ernest Hemingway (in For Whom the Bell Tolls)

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Dean Martin

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." --Oscar Wilde

Last edit almost 7 years ago by lerivoir
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"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." --Homer Simpson

And, at long last, a good, solid, scientifically-proven justification for the lush life:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but it naturally attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and the country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. [ed: As this final piece of brilliance came to me without a credit, I can only assume it was written by the assumed originator of the message, one Lisa -- (full name and address withheld cause I don't know who the fuck she is and I don't wanna piss her off.)]

Last edit almost 7 years ago by lerivoir
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[Photo: man seated with pants down, reading A-TEAM comic]

What kind of man reads Geek Weekly? He's a big reader, but he doesn't like pants.

Last edit about 7 years ago by lerivoir
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I [heart] Jewboys

The best boywatching in all of Austin can be found on the University of Texas West Mall. I speak not of the spunky young boys who staff the tables for leftish organizations, nor of the plethora of nearsighted cuties who catch much-needed sun there. No, I'm talking about those Semitic sweeties, those Hebrew honeys those Jacobs, Joshuas, and Joels that staff the recruiting tables for the campus Jewish student associations.

I'm not certain where my fondness for the fruit of Abraham came from, but I like to imagine that it stems from some deep-rooted desire to find a mate of superior stock so that my offspring will be clever and quick. Or maybe it's just that they're so damn fine. And fun, too. I understand that there exists something of a Jewish Kama Sutra that is revealed to these young men if they truly wish to perform a mitzvah for their fellow woman.

Before you start thinking that I've got a fetish for yarmilkes and lots of hair, let me state that it's strictly Reform for this gal. Especially those hailing from the Northeast! Those yummy Yiddish Yankees do it for me like nobody else—lanky limbs, dark hair, pale skin, wire-rimmed glasses, maybe a pouty lower lip—when I spot one of these boys across the room, it's like my whole body says "Hello, sailor!" My panties slip down to my knees and my bra gets a size too tight.

Jennifer LaSuprema (itself an Old World Yiddish name) offered to take me to Shabbat services, but I don't think I could handle it! Her grandmother wants her to marry a nice Jewish boy, and even Judeacizes her Goyim man's last name on place cards, but I think she should just tell grandma not to be selfish—it's girls like me who want all those sexy Jewish boys!

—Susan Shepard (Can be reached c/o GW for molestation.)

Last edit about 7 years ago by lerivoir
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