Maud Wood Park Papers (Woman's Rights Collection). Personal and Biographical. "Journal for the year 1880.". WRC-Pa, folder Pa-1. Schlesinger Library, Radcliffe Institute, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

intended if possible to ignore what had happened at any rate to make little reference to it to get the question settled once & for all. Monday Oct 25 1880. Mrs Stone was in the library with May when Harry came & May hoped that she would I went to school this stay but before long she excused herself & went to answer the calls of Helen. Harry thought that the circumstances excused abruptness & saying May you must know what I have come to say went & stood beside her. He waited for her to speak but as she did not he went on very quietly I am not ashamed or afraid to tell you that I love you but I must say that before the other night I had intended never to tell you. I was beside myself mad then & I broke through all my resolutions. Ever since For some time I have known that you were to me what no other woman ever has been more to me than anything & every thing else but though I have not been strong enough to put aside foolish dreams entirely I have said that I would keep my secret so that no one should guess at it. because I thought I could not tell you I loved you without telling you something else & the reason I did not want to do that is because I had & have nothing to offer you. I cannot could not hope to give you the kind of home you will leave & it will be a year or two before I could offer even a humbler one. I am not sure that you care for me in that way even a little you see I am crazy to think of it yet May I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart & that if you could ever be my wife I should wish no but I have not right to ask anything of you not even if you love for greater happiness. He spoke like a husband who has [determined?] to say

a certain thing no more & no less & May saw that it required a great effort for him to speak at all at any rate in that way. She did not know what reply to make but at length she said slowly & in a way quite unlike her usual rapid fluent speech I don't know what to say to you except that you must believe I appreciate do understand how hard it must have been for you to tell me this and --why-- you have told it. I must feel that if any thing now it would be impossible I don't think I care for you in that way though I shall always have for you the strongest respect & gratitude & friendship. In justice to myself I must make what little excuse I can for what I did the other night. I was unusually unhappy & wanted to forget & I thought I would do what other girls do once. I can't understand why I let you kiss me of course I might have prevented it but in some way it seemed as though I could not. If you knew how bitterly I have regretted it you would not think the less of me for it. Don't speak like that May Harry interrupted you can never be anything but the most perfect woman in the world to me. You are too kind she said rising & I cannot repay you but I can be just & I will. We must forget all this [rather?] to-day but for I do not love you though if anything else [none?] had been possible I might have learned to love you Harry. She said it hesitatingly she had not meant to admit so much but For a second she saw that she had made a mistake but it was too late. But Darling he said quickly for don't misunderstand me it was not of I didn't mean to have you think it was utterly impossible if you cared for me a little I only wanted you to know how little I had how little I am but if you will be

my wife May you shall be loved as faithfully as any woman has been loved. His face & voice were so eager that it required all her strength of will to Monday resist them. O But she forced herself to say I did not mean that there are reasons that you don't anything about why we cannot be anything but friends to each other. He looked at her for a second with all the light gone out of his face. Are you sure he said asked at last. Yes I am sure she said at last replied. May would not admit to herself how unhappy she felt when he had gone. I am not going to cry or do anything absurd she said it is much better so. She had promised to dine at the Saunders the next evening & she tried to think about that & what she should wear but she found it almost impossible to put from her mind Harry's words, & his disappointment. [Jim?] Saunder's manner was unusually grave & she had an intuitive feeling that she was going to say something to her that she did not wish to hear that day. She tried to avoid him but [Jim?] was determined when he took the trouble to be & he found an opportunity while his father & mother were deep in a game of chess & Mabel was playing waltzes to say without abruptly preface May I've been meaning for a long while long time to ask you to marry me will you do it? May felt more like crying than anything else for some unaccountable reason. It was hard work for her to keep the tears back but she managed ^to say Oh [Jim?] you must give me time to think. Of course if you want it he said but I should have known right away what my answer would be if it had been you who had asked me. You see May I know I'm not much like

you + I don't understand things that you do but I've thought that you were worth any ten other girls for a long time + I've always heard that people get along better when they aren't alike so I don't see why we shouldn't be happy. We can live here or have a house of our own just as you like. Father + Mother + Mabel think the world of you already. Perhaps I don't put it very well May but you wouldn't ever have any reason to complain of me as a husband, + if you don't like me quite as well as that yet I'd be willing to take my chances of making you if there isn't any other fellow in the way. May knew that 2 weeks before she shouldn't have hesitated + she also knew that there were even stronger reasons why she should say yes now than there had been then still she could not answer then + begged to have it left for a week. She told herself that her feeling for Harry was nothing that need prevent her from marrying [Jim?] it was gratitude + admiration but it wasn't love. She didn't suppose that she loved [Jim?] but he had said that he was willing to take his chances of making her if there was no other fellow in the way. Would he consider Harry in the way if he knew she wondered. And at last in utter despair of being able to decide herself she made up her mind to go + tell Mrs Merriam a part at least of the story. May knew her friend well enough to be [certain?] sure that evasion or equivocation would be of no use so she went directly to the point. Mrs Merriam how much do you think a girl ought to love a man before she is willing to marry him

Very much indeed was the reply. But supposing there are reasons why it would be better for her to do so & supposing Monday Oct 25 1880 she likes him even though he isn't quite her ideal would she be doing wrong to accept him. That depends said Mrs Merriam. I have decided to keep a journal. I went to I don't school this morning we were dismissed this suppose morning at eleven o-clock because the boiler burst anyone I went to school this afternoon and we were discan find missed at ten minutes past three. I received a their very curious letter to-day I cannot tell who it exact is from, I will copy it here. ideal but if there are reasons Boston, Oct. 23, 1880 I think they Maud M. Wood might be listened to provided there isn't anyone else that the Cor. Bird and Myrtle Sts. girl cares as much or even at Dorchester Mass. all for & My dear Miss Wood. provided that she & the man whom she wishes to marry Yours of the 23 inst. came duly to hand and contents noted. Would say in reply that if you were not so old we would consider your application. We are in search of some one of more tender years. With eregrets we remain ever your e esteemed frinds have the same sympathies. What do you mean by the same Wiggin and Wood I do try to like Mrs Watson but I can't. Weather cold and windy. sympathies asked May