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Letter No. 92 Sunday Jan 11th Major J. H. Massey 6, Palestinian Corp, The Buffs M.E.F. My own darling Barbara, My 20 page letter sent off this morning was a long & rather dreary affair, but I hope you will find it interesting. But I must now recover & try to write a more topical & conversational letter [& underlined] a more loving one too - & also answer various parts of your recent letters, which I have not done yet. I am beginning this at 11-0 o'clock at night again - dinner & the news, & talking to Salaman, & re-reading some of your letters have taken up the time. But I like to get a letter started, even if only a page or two. I was in Tel Aviv today & had tea with Ben, who is on leave, & his wife. His wife was remarking that it is exactly one year since she first met me - I arrived in Palestine on Jan 6th - & that then I had two pips up, & now I am a major, & seem & even look to be very much older, & to be a major. I don't really know that I have changed so very much - I believe I am thinner, especially in the face (I have just hopped up to look in a miror - you would probably still call me a chub) & after more than a year away from you & yearning & pining for you all the time & not doing very much laughing, my face probably has a rather strained look. But I think & I certainly hope, that you will find me alright darling. I am certainly not pompous or important on account of being a major - you can be sure of that. And I am quite certain that when I am home & with you again - I shall lose
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my forlorn look - & certainly be able to laugh & how I look forward to that. But the main reason for my going, was to see Burstein, who was anxious to see me about the Gergel affair - & I wanted to see him too. He was very comforting, from my point of view, most encouraging. During the last week, he had been in touch with a number of men of the Corp on leave & by other means. And he told me that everything in the Corp was now alright & had settled down well. And that he still thought that I was right & that I must carry on & make no change in my administration. He told me an interesting thing, which I always suspected, but never actually knew before. That Ben-Avzi was unpopular & disliked in the Corp, not because the men disliked him personally, but because he supported me & worked in my way. And that he, Burstein, was also criticised by the men because he supported Ben-Avzi & also me. We also had a long talk about things in general - he is an interesting & intelligent man. Tuesday Jan 13th I made a big mistake & went to see a very bad film last night, I thought it was "I had a million" with Charles Laughton - & it turned out to be George Raft, in "I stole a Million" - which I had seen before, probably with you, darling. Now, I really must comment on Patricia, & her lover. I really can hardly believe it - & it sounds just like her, to dress it all up in the guise of free love & why not, & refuse to sleep in the same bed & [roam ?]. Now
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happiness of being with you & being your husband. That is my one & only wish. And I cannot bear the thought of the unhappiness & sorrow which you would feel, my darling sweet. And I want to see Maxie, too, & I want him to know me & to like his daddy. You keep saying, sweetheart, how you wish I could be with you to share the joy of him, & the responsibility too. And how I wish it too. It is alarming, the way the time passes - it is now practically impossible that I shall be home by Maxie's first birthday - & by that time he is beginning to walk & to speak some words. And I feel that, subconsciously, a tie is created between father & son when the father helps at these stages. I always felt with Lisa, & you did too darling - that she loved me & liked me & [ ?] me, because I helped her to walk, & picked her up out of bed, & changed her nappies. And all this is time which cannot be regained, it is tragic. I wonder would they understand if I [wrote underlined] about this in my next application & said that having lost Lisa, I should be allowed to see my son before he is too grown up. But from the other side, I have no fears about how you will bring him up before I come home. Your mother's Xmas letter came yesterday, & she said you were wonderful with him & very careful, but not fussy. I am glad that you have put Uncle Max's L5 in with Lisa's savings, for Maxie. That was the idea when we bought those War Bonds - & I still have, in my pocket book, the Post Office Warrant for her money - sweet little darling. I think, Barbara darling, that we should also buy for Maxie, War Bonds with
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my dear Ma & Pa have had all three of their children go the same way of sin & love before marriage, & in Patricia's case, even without it. And I do not suppose it even entered their heads that any such thing might happen. You are right about Patricia's awkwardness - it is truly pathetic. And my parents are very much to blame, it is easier for a boy to break away, I suppose - but I was certainly not brought up to be at all pleased or satisfied with myself - very much the reverse. And it was only after one or two people paid me small compliments from time to time & I began to realise, at dances, that girls were quite pleased to dance with me - that I began to suspect that perhaps, after all, I was not alarmally plain & dull. I know, at one time, I used to worry terribly that nobody would ever marry me - & certainly nobody at all pretty. And here I am married to you my sweetheart - marvellously pretty & so much more than that - as lovely as anybody could be, & clever, & sweet, & lovely, & in every way more perfect than anybody else. And you love me, darling one, don't you ? more & more is it becoming more than I can bear, to be away from you. I look at your photographs, many times a day, & it all just surges over me, that it is the cruellest thing in all the world that we are so hopelessly apart. It's impossible to be patient, when all the time that passes is lost & wasted time. You said in one of your letters that if everybody loved each other as much as we do, we should have an army of deserters. And I think you are right. I really cannot see myself being brave, & being anything else than super careful. I don't think for a moment that I am a coward - but I am so overwhelmingly anxious to come back to you, & all the glorious
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the money which Bertie sent for Lisa, & which we used & made a mental note to pay it back. It is her money, & we wanted Maxie to have that, & so he should have all of it. And Barbara, I see no reason why you should not let it be kown that Maxie has his own savings account - though there is practically nobody to inform now, apart from Aunt Sarah. Anyway, when I write to Uncle Max, I will tell him what you have done with the money & perhaps he will do it again on May 28th each year. His was a very pleasant letter & quite interesting & especially coming from Switzerland so easily. That is what I like about him so much - he is a clever & very capable man & yet he is never heavily avuncular or grown up or standing on his dignity - like [Aunty underlined] Dolly. I have kept one of the photos of me & Peter to send to them; I hope it will arrive alright. I think your explanation of why we have called him Maxie is about right, & also somewhere near the truth - & that is what I will say when I write. We liked the name, & though it is not exactly a compliment to him, we probably should not have called him that if Uncle Max's name had not been as it is, & I have always liked him & you like him too. And I am glad too, to keep on some connection with the Hoeggers [name ?] should I mind, if he took after Grandad & Uncle Max in some ways. I have told you in an AG that my reply to your long notice about the birth, was "lost by enemy action." It is rotten bad luck, isn't it darling? And it is now such a long time afterwards to be writing about it. I think that it was wonderful, the way you produced Maxie all by yourself - but he was difficult, wasn't
