p.

& I was still 12st 12lbs. It is amazing really, because I
certainly appear to be thinner - & I have gone back a hole
in my Sam Browne - & have had to have new holes put
in my cloth belt. I suppose I really must be very fit &
healthy, & I have put on bone & muscle & taken off fat.
It was always the same with me when I was younger
- in the summer, I used to get lighter, & then
put on weight when I was playing football & was
taking off fat. I shall have to try & have enough
fresh air & exercise after the war. Are you doing your
exercises, darling? You must do. We shall both need to
be very strong & fit, in order to stand up to the desire
which we will have for each other when we meet again.
It is difficult to realise just how out of touch with each other
we really are. Your letters which I am receiving now are still
hoping that I may be posted home from my first application.
And yet that is ancient history for me, & I am now
anxiously awaiting the result of my 2nd application. I'm
beginning to be afraid that the answer is now almost overdue
- which means failure again. And so I am now working
myself into that defencive frame of mind, in order to
prepare myself for the eventual actual disappointment.
You have been talking in your last letters about the
inexorable, in human system, & how we are only small
cogs in this vast machine. And I must agree. But
I still cannot bring myself to believe that my only
hope for return to you is the end of the war. What
I shall do when the actual negative reply does
arrive I do not know. But I cannot feel myself
doing nothing. But I must wait for it - & then decide.
Thank you darling one, very much, for my birthday parcel
which arrived yesterday. Late - but safe. The Balzac I'm
sure I shall enjoy. The socks will be v. useful,