Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

Letter no. 94 Thursday 22 Jan Major J. H. Massey 6 Palestinian Coy. The Buffs M.E.F

My darling one -

I have decided that I must address you an envelope etc, as Mrs Barbara Massey, & no longer as Mrs H. Massey. I have been meaning to do it for some time, but always fogot about it until I came to the address. I hope you prefer it. There is really nothing to be said for the Mrs H method - it is only conventional & I think it sounds too priggishly possessive. I think there is everything to be said for Mrs Barbara; you are a Mrs, & Barbara is your name & a very pretty one too & Massey is our name. The old method of using the husband's initial, or even full name, seems to, practically speaking, fail to even allow you a separate existence apart from your lord master. It does not really make any difference at all to our relations to eachother - so Mrs BM. you must & will be, until you tell me to stop. What started me thinking about this was your recent letter saying how you wondered at Joan being so ruled by Bill's moods & kidneys etc - & that you could never tremble at what I might think of what you did. That made me think a little for a moment - but I quickly decided that that was a wholly excellent state of affairs, & largely accounted for our happiness, & would continue to do so - & also that it was a sign of a clear conscience that you would never do anything which could cause you to tremble at what I might say. And also, perhaps, a nice little compliment to me, too. I entirely agree with ath you were saying, & think it is an indication of a hum drum existence - happiness either hanging on

2.

a shred, or else being replaced by the rather normal bogus state of uneasy & conventional contentment. I received my Ma's Xmas parcel on Tuesday. She sent me quite a pleasant khaki pullover from Austin Reid - a box of about 3 lbs of mixed sweets, which Cloinaizski & I may work our way through in about 3 months - a copy of Lilliput dated June, 1939; & two Hutchinson's "Pocket" Library books - the Beach of Dreams by H. De Vere Stacpoole, & The Stalking Horse by Rafael Sabatini - in their 100th & 79th thousand respectively. What does my Ma think I am? I should not dream of reading them. I admit that I used to be rather particular to Sabatini & Jeffery Farmal & so on, up to the age of about 17 but certainly not later. I do think that parents have a great responsibility in what they put into the hands of their children to read. My father used to call such books "rattling good yarns" - but he also read the classics, such as Dickens, Thackeray & Lever & Smallet & Scott - but never dreamt of encouraging me to read them; he would suggest mildly that I should & one day when I was older I would be sorry. But that only made me feel that it was an unpleasant duty which I could well postpone. I do not imagine you had any parental guidance at all - but you were more fortunate in your early learning than I was. In any case, when Maxie is 33 I hope I shall have a better idea of what he would care

3.

to read.

I have been getting all sorts of communications recently. An A.G. from my ma - saying "the boy looks fine" - she called him the boy last time, David the time before that! Why the hell can't she say she doesn't like the name Max & have done.

An A.G. from Bill Williams - very bored with life. My news about Amy was news.

Two letters & an A.G. from my next best correspondent, dear Vera. I had told her in one of my A.Gs that she was like a sister, a cousin & a nice girl friend all rolled into one. She said I was a scream, & it was the nicest thing anybody had said to her for years. She is a scream & her letters are very welcome. I must write her a letter - she said my A.Gs were lovely she loves having "some" - but a 6 page letter would be nice too.

An A.G. from Judy - John is now at school & is the smallest boy there & they all call him Pinocchio.

An A.G. from Garnia - to which I must reply.

An E. F M from Bob Leather at the works 48.3.62.

An E F M - same nos - from that awful man Ellis at Dennis Moss & Co - do you remember? that awful person who is always wanting a cheaper price & says he can get it.

A p.c. from Jenny, asking me how I liked the sand, but more important, telling me that Norths are still plugging along. & will not close down - but that Keanes Allan, Lelsden, Burton, Slingsby, Robinsons etc are closed. I also had your ma's letter from Plymouth.

4.

But I still get a sickening & rather ungrateful but I think understandable feeling when a letter or A.G. or p.c. is handed to me, & I find it is not from you - even if I had two letters from you the day before. Which all just goes to show that nobody matters, except you my darling.

Sunday Jan 25th I really am feeling almost unberably miserable & full of longong for you - I had your no 73 two days ago, which was saying the same things. I tried to continue with this letter on Friday but felt too dull & unhappy - so I wrote A.Gs to my ma, to Ver, & to Jimmy. And then wrote a report on the defence of aerodromes, & which I sent off yesterday. It was full of sense, but I don't expect anybody will take any notice of it.

Yesterday, I decided to make myself a bit merry & tiddly & then try to write you a funny & rather passionate letter. So I had two large Gins & Frenches before dinner, 3 of us had a bottle of red wine for dinner & then a brandy afterwards. The total result was to make me feel even more sad & miserable, & very sleepy - & so I went to bed at 9-0 o'clock, & slept until 8-0 this morning. I wish I could go to bed & sleep & not wake up until I was home again - & then woke up to find you lying in bed beside me.

Darling - you said in your letter that you sometimes tortured yourself with the thought that I might not be able to bear it any longer, & might go off with a girl. Sweetest, I am glad in one

5.

way, that you class such thoughts as torture. But you must not think them, please. Oh, I have told you often before, & as you say yourself, yo do not really think or believe those things. It is a plain fact dearest darling Barbara - I could not be unfaithful to you, & not even in the smallest way. I don't only mean that I would not go to bed, or commit the sexual act with any body else - I would not even want to & then just resist the temptation has waned I kiss or lay hands on anybody else. And this feeling is even stranger than it was 16 long months ago. It is not a determination not to do it, or to resist temtation. It is just a complete & perfectly intelligent conviction that it will not & cannot happen. I wonder if this sounds to you too good to be true - or that I have lost my manliness & virility? But, I can assureyou my darling - & about my virility, I can only rely on my thoughts about you, & they are extremely passionate & sexy & many times every day. This is not really a miracle or very extraordinary, nor does it make me an exceptional person. I think it comes mainly from my certainty & satisfaction that you are more beautiful to me than any body else can be. And my equal certainly & satisfaction that in our love life we have reached a higher pitch of happiness & satisfaction & ecstasy & georgeousness than has ever been reached by anybody - & that does not mean that we cannot do even better, because I am sure we can. And making love & your body & my body are all so terribly personal between you & me, & have