Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

Letter No 50. Wednesday 11 June. Major J Massey, 6 Palestine Coy, The Buffs, Middle East Forces.

My darling sweet Barbara,

It is 10.45 pm, but I must start a letter & then it is under way. I am still dying to have more news from you, & how you & the baby really are. He is two weeks old already & there must be many interesting things to tell. I do hope you are making a good & a quick recovery - how I long to be with you, my sweetest - to hold you in my arms & to feel you getting stronger again. If only I could take you home from the nursing home - make you tea, & then put you to bed, & do things for you. And then bring your supper up, & sit & talk to you, & kiss you very often. And then, quite early, come to bed, & hold you to me close, & feel again & very strongly, that you are safe & with me again, & that you still love me. But we are still being denied all those superb & sincere feelings. What hell to be taken away from you - I'm sure you will want me with you now darling, & I could be so loving & comforting & helpful to you. Oh dear - I defy anyone to miss anybody more than I miss you. Its not just straightforward missing - its all those particular things at the time, specific things. And many others which we do not know about - things which would have happened had we been together but we never can.

I had a cable from Patricia today - "congratulations your son good luck love" wretched girl, I cannot really think

2. what she says - she is just unlucky in what she says. And I had your p.c. of May 26th - just two days before the birth. How sweet you were to write to me then - but then you are sweet to me - very very sweet. I'm falling asleep, my darling. Goodnight, beloved sweetheart. x x x

Monday (deleted) Saturday 14 June. I can assure you darling - I have not been idle about writing to you, I just have not had any time at all, except on Thursday when I went to another comment & was too tired to write when I came in. If you will cast your mind back to dates, when you get this, you will remember that it was on June 7th that we entered Syria. Up to then, for several days, & ever since, it has been a whirl, & I have been working solidly from 8 in the morning until 12 at night. I told you we had had a four hour air raid on Monday night - we had the same again on Wednesday - & a two hour one last night. And there is no such thing as staying in bed for me, or going to sleep in a shelter. I have to take charge in what is called the Command Post, & take & send messages about things & be ready to command if any thing happens. The loss of sleep is a serious matter in addition it makes one smoke so much more, being awake for so long - and then there is all the hard & concentrated normal work. But I am bearing up v. well, & rather pleased with my vitality. The one pleasure of the day, is a bathe in the sea every afternoon. In addition to all my other occupations, I am Officer i/c Swimming for this part of the place, & have had to pin up a

3. safe bathing place. I obtained a marvellous large raft from the Navy - got the Marines to fix it up for me - & then there are ropes stretching in to the shore. It is really very good & the bathing is lovely - the sea being clear & warm - & only 200 yards from my room. So my recent daily programme so far has become up at 7.0 - office at 8.0 to 8.30 - work until 1.15, with a pint of tea at 10.30 - lunch at 1.15 - news from London at 2-0 - work at 2-15 - bathe at 3-30 & tea at 4-30 - work until 7-0 - hot bathe, first drink of the day & dinner - 8-30 work until finished - & then go to bed, hoping earnestly that there will be no air raid. Having had a big days work, & got into bed about 12-30, the sound of that siren, 1/2 an hour later is almost more than I can bear.

And those are the resaons darling why I have not progressed with the letter to you on Tuesday & an Airgraph this morning & this will go by Monday at the latest, so I am keeping to my schedule. I wonder have you made a numerical list of my letters, the dates of my posting them & you receiving them I have done that with yours, & then I am able to tell at a glance what letters there are to come & try & form some idea as to when they may arrive: it is also interesting to see the extraordinary way in which they do come in - for example, your 13th came on Jan 25, & your 12th on June 5th, that is the difference between

4. sea & Air Mail.

Sweetheart, your 17th letter arrived today enclosing the photo from B. Stortford which you forgot to send with your previous letter. Dearest darling, it was wonderful to have this & to see how lovely & beautiful you are looking. I have been staring at it all today - every time I came into the office, I took it out of the envelope again, & propped it up against something, & put my face in my hands & just looked & looked at it, & thought how lovely & perfect you are, & became almost frantic with longing to be with you. Now, I have cut all the other people out of it & pasted it onto paper, made a little folder & put it in my pocket book. You absolutely must have more photographs taken, please darling - every few weeks - & send them to me - if any of them are especially good, you must send me the negatives too, so that I can have enlargements made. Lord, how I miss & want you darling, my beloved sweetest darling - it is a stabbing, throbbing pain & all the time. I work like blazes & all the rest of it - but it all means nothing at all. I want you, you, my Barbara - nothing else & nobody else, & I just cannot think of anything else at all. To be in love with somebody like you - it was never intended that we should be taken away from each other in this horrible way. When I saw your photograph this morning, I was enveloped & engulfed in such passionate longing for you - I could almost feel & smell you, darling - & almost feel you touching me. How long is it going to be, Barbara? & how am I going to last out. It is so interminable the way it goes on. Only the end of the war

5. can send me back to you. Sometimes I feel it may go on for years & years, an appalling thought - but more often I really do feel the end will come this winter or early in the spring. No matter how long it is, my darling - I shall never, in any way, by thought, word or deed, be anything also but utterly & completely faithful to you. You believe that and want it, don't you darling? And I want it & believe it of you - & the time will pass somehow - & it must pass - - & then we shall be gloriously together again. And we shall be utterly & completely happy - & we shall have nothing to tell or confess to each other or have any fear of anything ever being found out.

It is the one thing which keeps me going & reasonably happy - and the wonder & completeness of the happiness & joy & contentment which is going to be ours when we meet again. In your latest letter, written only 12 days before the baby was born, you told me to have utter confidence in your faithfulness & love - oh darling, I do, & most deeply & thankfully & gratefully. Never, never feel, please that I take it for granted or as part of my due - because you know I don't. I take it as a wonderful, miraculous thing, & which I appreciate always & which is a tremendous achievement on my part. And darling, you then said you would have in mine, until I told you otherwise myself. You have utter confidence, haven't you darling? I say & promise you again, that quite apart from how much & how passionately I love you - I love you completely & there is no room for anybody else & never will be. And apart from love too, I will