Julia_Chapter_13

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Even still conflicting happiness, shake his soul and bid him drain the dregs of pleasures bowl till palled with vice, he breaks his former it had nothing new to off er, and { ?} with repetition "he felt the fulness of satiety"]

and turned even with loathing, turned from the very object which in the freshness of novelty, he had sought with such ardour, and pursued with such impetuousity. " With pleasure drugged he almost longed for more." at least he longed for change. In the state of exhaustion in which he often found himself after the morals in which he indulged--he had leisure to feel--to think Sick at heart--depressed in spirits--worn out in strength-he vainly sought for relief in the society of companions of his intoxicating joys--they had nothing to offer but fresh excitements which if indulged in, did but increase the {musings?} they were intended to alleviate. Madam Luneville { ?} , instead of soothing feelings; he had once thought the pleasures of her secret inexhaustable--but even here he found he had drained the cup to the dregs and after receiving all that she had to give, his heart craved for what she had not to give, and what virtue only can bestow. At such moments--to feel--to think-- was to be restored to his wife--the recollection of the happy hours he had passed with her--of her innocence--purity-tenderness--would { ?} his mind with out the force of contrast and he would turn with disgust from the woman who had seduced him from the tranquil enjoyments of home. But these moments of langour, would be succeeded by those of rest, and rest would restore his spirits and renovated spirits would again lead him into the same excesses.--Alterations such as those kept him ever restless, ever unhappy, even in the pursuit of pleasure. His home, when he was driven to it, by ennui or disgust--his home was not what it had once been--He was too frequent a deserter, to repeated an offender to be received there with an affection. Sometimes when sick, sad, or weary, he sought its shelter-- he found it filled with gaiety from

Last edit almost 4 years ago by shashathree
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in which he took no share or met with reproaches which tho' he deserved he could not endure. Bereft of domestic happiness, and satieted with pleasure, he was the sport of every passion, and finding himself always dissatisfied, he became reckless and indifferent and to what became of him--His time--his health--his fortune were wasted and it was not until he found himself on the very brink of maim, that startled into a sense of impending danger, like the drowning wretch, he snatched even at a straw in hopes of escape. Such was his condition, when he was drawn by the artful counsels of Madam Luneville, to make to his wife the proposition which offended her past forgivenessHe had not as he solemnly averred meant any things dishonorable--he meant only to temperance--to break off the threatening anger, until he could make arrangements of a more efficient kind.--In the confusion which even such a proposal occasioned--he had { ?} in so confused hurried and embarrassed a manner, that he had conveyed ideas, which he could not now obliterate. It was in vain he endeavoured to exculpate himself from a charge so base selfish and cowardly--The love, which once cast a veil over his faults, had been gradually wearing away, and his errors were now viewed without indulgence.--Disappointed in this last and only resource Clifton in feeling his utter destitution, had become sensible of the enormity of his conduct.--Left to himself, his very misery, might have worked out his restoration but he returned to the woman, who in his heart he despised, and with an infatuation--which even the excess of passion could scarcely excuse, again yielded to her baneful influence. In the plan to which Julia at last acceded resulted as a reprieve from impending danger; he rejoiced to be once more restored to home; he resolved on reform, and hoped for happiness. Had he adopted the right means, both might have been attained. As it was, his resolution proved as nugatory as his hopes. The illusions of pleasure were dissolved--Indifference had succeeded to the ardour of a happiness, once { ?} by Madam Luneville, and now when he saw her daily, in company with the { friends?}, the imprudently

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frank and candid Julia, her artifice and dissimulation were detestable--The blandishments of her fondness became disgusting, while the coldness of Julia imitated his self-love and kindled his long dormant but not extinguished affection. Under the influence of such feelings, he watched with anguish the { ?} kindness which she showed to Capt Mirvan. This he had no right to blame, and no power to restrict. It was an evil he had brought upon himself, but it was not therefore the less intolerable. It was in vain he {ought?} to lose a sense of his misery in the excitements of the { ?} or of cards--Whatever was his occupation, he thought only of his wife, and to get rid of the pangs inflicted by jealousy, that most tormenting of all passions, he was willing to { ?} the ruin which he had { ?} by means so degrading and dangerous. Under the influence of this new set of feelings, he now seldom was absent from home. He haunted the appartments of his house, and the surrounding scenes which had so often been witnesses of his past happenings like a melancholy ghost. In the midst of company while he conversed with many, he destined only to Julia. Seated by the side of Madam Luneville, listening or talking, his attention tho' apparently engaged by her, was fixed on Julia. At the card table instead of minding his game, he made the most absurd blunders, threw away his cards, irratated his partner and lost bet after bet, while his eyes were wandering to the spot where Julia was with the never wearied Capt Mirvan by her side. Or sometimes when she sat down to her piano and he heard the tunes which he had often heard in happier times, when she sang, when she played for him.--when that voice was attuned by love, and that expressive countenance was fixed on him, he would start from his chair, throw his cards on the table, and in spite of the remonstrances of his party, would go to this instrument and leaning against the wall, would gaze on a face, now averted from him, and listen to

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to the musick meant to charm other can then his--at such times Julia would throw on him a cold and repelling glance, and then turn with the most marked attention to Capt Mirvan, while he, who on Clifton's approach, considering him as an intruder had cast on him a look of surprise, or sullen displeasure, on reasoning this preference, would betray the unattention he felt, and look with triumph on the mortified husband.--This was beyond endurance, and the proud and { ?} Clifton would abruptly quit the room and plunging into the darkest and most sequestered parts of the grounds, would give vent to the emotions which were raging in his breast. "Hellion!" he would exclaim--"Hellion, you shall not always triumph --no--rather ask I die in a jail--no--rather ask I welcome ruin.--Fool, fool," he continues, which with clenched hands he {trusk?}his furning fore head--"fool that I was--I alone to blame. my mad folly--is the cause of this! --precious inestimatable jewel, it once was mine--yes--once it was locked in this bosom, unseen and unapproachable--mine only mine.-- But fool and madman as I was, I { ?} it thence--I threw it from me and now when I see it proudly worn by another--now I discover all its value! But it shall yet be mine--yes dear beloved Julia, I will recover that once pure and tender heart, or die I must."--Stung by the recollections of his own conduct, he would hurry up and down the long dark avenue, mingling {curses?" on himself, with expressions of fondness for his wife, till wearied and exhausted he would throw him self on the cold damp grass and yield for news to better self-reproach and unavailing repentance. Then when the langour of exhaustion would calm his transports, tears would stream down his face as he recalled all the dear and lovely scenes of his early life.--" Sweet-soul, " he would say, " with what mildness did she endure my first offence--forgiving angel!--How had I the heart over to offend thee? Ah still happier days, eer I had ever wounded that fond, that {devoting?} heart--then after the shortest absence, the moment she would { ?} me { ?ing} the grounds she would fly to meet me; with outstretched

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arms, and a face beaming with gladness--then with her arm linked in mine, or mine encircling her waist, what delicious walks have we had thru these now deserted grounds. Oh how often have these woods and hills echoed back her voice as she trilled for some merry tune from a glad, or some soft tones from a tender heart--And then when returning from these charming rambles, we entered the house, saw how our little boy with outstretched hands, leapt into my arms, or been snatched to his mother's, while our passion mingled on his sweet life. Or lovelier still, when opening to him her fair bosom, I have seen the little cherub reposing there and watched the dimples playing on his cheek and his laughing bright blue eye, and while I gazed, have exclaimed with rapture, my wife--my own child, while I pressed both in transport to my heart!--And have those things been? or were they only a dream,--is there no reality but this hell within me? Oh woman--angel woman, I once dwelt with thee in paradise,--Oh woman--demon-woman," said he as he thought of Madam Luneville, "from this paradise hast thou reduced me--Carried infatuation by what arts did you delude me--by what spell did you blind me, --how is it possible I could ever be persuaded to quit such purity, for such!--oh I have not a word to express thy vileness--but yet, I was persuaded that Julia resembled thee! I yielded to thy pernicious councils-- and lo, the result.--Bankrupt alike in honor-fortune-peace." Then amid the darkness of his dispair, a ray of hope would dart across the gloom, and starting all, he would exclaim--"all is not yet lost--while there is life--there is hope. At other times Julia was absent on her long excursions with Capt Mirvan--he would seek the little Rosa, who sad and solitary as himself would be wandering about the house, and endeavour to attract her to him

Last edit almost 4 years ago by shashathree
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