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[left column]
vance the interests of her husband. And a most
miserable and annoying slavery it is, to be sub-
jected from morning to night to the petty cares
and assiduities entailed by such a life. Insensible
as my husband himself was to any powers
of pleasing I possessed, he was not ignorant
of their attractive influence on others, and became
desirous that my popular [italic] manners, as he term-
ed them, should supply the deficiencies of his
own, and unequivocally expressed his wish that
I should make his house as agreeable as possi-
ble, and his entertainments equal, if not supe-
rior to those of his competitors.

I will acknowledge that self-love was not
averse to this design. I would have preferred
retirement; but, forced again to appear on the
stage, I could not but desire to appear to advan-
tage- to act a distinguished, not subordinate
part in the great drama, toilsome, and weari-
some, and exhausting as it might be.

My dear friend, I am not telling you the story
of a life, but making my confessions, and there-
fore do not conceal the weaknesses and faults
of my character. That love of distinction,
which in men is called ambition, and in women
vanity, a greater or less degree dwels in
every bosom. Who is there who feels not the
pleasure of pleasing? Yes, even when the
higher and stronger eelings of the heart are
dead, self-love may sleep, but never dies. It is
an all-pervading principle, and governs even
the pures and most generous natures. On
some occassion when a person reproached Hel-
vetius for asserting, in his great work, the
supremacy of this principle, "Nonsense," ex-
claimed Madame du Deffand, "he only confesses
what all others endeavour to conceal." I at-
tempt no such concealment, but candidly con-
fess that my self-love was gratified, and that
the task imposed, was in consonance with my
natural disposition- to be loved, admired, es-
teemed. Alone, these desires seemed extin-
guished, but social intercourse soon rekindled
them, and in spite of all the irksome accompa-
niments, of which I have complained, my new
mode of life was not without its attractions,
while the novelty lasted. Think not, however,
in these efforts to conciliate good will, and win
popularity, that the lofty mind of my husband
could ever stoop to any thing base or servile-
despising, as he himself did, the frivolities and
vanities, "the pomp and circumstance" of high
life, he was fully aware of their influence on
common minds, and made use of them to govern
men as we use toys to govern children.

Our house now became the resort of foreign-
ers, statesmen, politicians of all parties, and
citizens of all classes. Exclsiveness [italics], once my
pride, ws turned out of doors; and the motley
crowd admitted. It is a wretched system, but
I suppose in a government like ours, an una-
voidable one.

I was more sought, more courted and flatter-
ed than ever; not because I was admired
or esteemed, but because my husband had at-
tained to a higher and more influential place,
and might attain the highest; and those who
sought to rise with him, and desired his favour,
very naturally supposed they would accelerate

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their design by propitiating his wife, from a
belief that I had a great influence over him.
My pride did not allow me to contradict such
an opinion, or to acknowledge to these appli-
cants that the most insignificant among them
had more influence than I had. Yes, I was fool
enough not to undeceive the multitude who
hoped success through my interference. I was
besieged with applications of all descriptions-
from the poor slave who wished emancipa-
tion, the unhappy debtor, lying in prison, the
condemned criminal, the broken merchant, or
ruined spendthrift, seeking petty places, to the
proud aspirant after foreign embassies or high
office.

I can truly say, that generally I was the
greatest sufferer from the disappointment that
ensued. My time was wasted and my spirits
harassed, by listening to distress I could not
relieve, and to my husband this host of appli-
cants was an indescribable annoyance. Patron-
age!- proud but empty word; - it promises a
thousand times more than it gives. It promises
friends, but makes enemeies, since where one
individual is gratified, hundreds are disappoint-
ed, and only patrons know how much louder are
the whispers of a hundred, than the acclaim of
a solitary individual.

Before one year had passed, I began to weary
of this life. I was dazzled awhile by its glare,
but the mind, like the eye, becomes soon accus-
tomed to any degree of light. Distinction,
power, influence, were gratifying to self-love,
but on experiment I found them accompanied
by pains and annoyances I had not counted on;
the gloss had worn off, and the coarseness of the
fabric became visible.

The duties [italics] of society- duties truly!- viz. the
the observances of etiquette- the cold conven-
tional forms and ceremonies- the fatigue of vi-
siting and being visited by hundreds, whom we
neither know nor care for- the dullness and toil
of formal entertainments in which there is as
little mind as heart, soon became intolerably
irksome; the more so, as my shattered nerves
and enfeebled health, suffered extremely from
crowds and late hours. To be obliged, sick or
well, sad or gray, night after night and day after
day, to go into company to which we are more
than indifferent- above all, to have the mange-
ment of an income inadequate to one's station,
to make a great appearance on small means,
to be expected to be liberal and profuse, when
it is scarcely possible to be just- these things,
surely these things may be classed among the
miseries of life. yet with what avidity are
such situations sought? with what envy are
their possessors looked upon by those ambitious
of distinction? Little, ah, little do they know,
who repine at being condemned to a humble
fireside, and the narrow circle of home comforts,
how wearisome and unsatisfactory is the lot
they envy.

In truth, it is not all gold that glitters. Could
they penetrate into the private hours and pri-
vate scences of these envied great ones [italics], as they
call them, believe me, few would consent to
exchange the quiet of a domestic, for the tur-
moil of a public station.

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