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Lonesome Hollow
1st mo. 23^rd 1862

Dear Anna [RBF's sister]

I told you my state of mind with regard to a certain subject
about one week ago and you have not alluded to it since and I have
refrained from doing so that you might have time to weigh the subject,
and now I appeal to you for some advice and council, though
I know the matter alluded to is a thing I must decide in my own
mind and an undertaking I must accomplish within the intervention
of others, yet I am so perplexed with doubts and uncertain of the
way in which I ought to proceed that I scarce know whether I have
any sense left and indeed they told me at Uncle Roger [Brooke]'s
this morning that I was crazy, whether they know it or not it is
nearly the truth.

[P inserted]

I cannot stay at home and attend to my business as I ought to
do and I cannot contribute anywhere I go. I think that anything would
be prefferable to this state of suspense. I have allowed my feelings
to outrun my judgment and have been completely carried away without
sufficient assurance that I am in the right path. I do not see how
to endure the state I am in and do not see how to alter it.

[P inserted] The one I have looked to for advice [Mary] has
given me but little encouragement and has advised me not to show the
young lady any marked attention at her present home and discouraged
my doing what I have several times almost made up my mind to do,
that is to come out openly and declare my feelings.

[P inserted] This you all say can be avoided and that a gentleman
need never be refused but I think I would as leave be refused
openly as to discover myself that I would be, and the circumstances
are such that I see no hope of coming to an understanding in any
other way than the one I have mentioned. Could I see that by delaying
to do so I would be doing my duty I would try to be easy, but
the meddling teazing way that is in practice in this neighborhood
prevents my sociability and we have become more and more distant
and restrained toward each other though I know it is not my wish
and hope and pray it is not hers.

[P inserted] One great obstacle in the way of our acquaintance
is the scrutiny of a number of the family she is in, [Stanmore],
though it would not have much effect on me if I were a little more
certain of my cause. I can see that it imposes a restraint on her
and I fear is likely to continue to do so.

[unsigned]