Letter: Roger Farquhar to Mary Hallowell, October 20, 1861

2021.0006.0003j2-1 Lonesome Hollow 10th mo. 20th 1861 First-day morning

Dear Cousin I am now about to do, what I have told thee I was not going to, and also what I had almost made a resolution not to do, that is to truthfully answer the questions in thy last letter to me, not because I consider thee has no right to be answered, but because some of them were of such a nature that I could not answer them without committing myself more wholly to another's mercies than I have ever done, and there is something in my nature that keeps me from desiring sympathy in some particulars and I fear from this cause I am not sufficiently grateful for the interest taken in me. If this letter should contain what I expect it to, there is not another person except thyself that I would have read it for oceans.

In answering thy queries in refference to the manner in which I regarded a lady named in thy letter, I will tell thee what I had not intended to tell anyone but her, or if I had not told her, to keep locked in my own breast, but trusting in thee and hopeing I may never have cause to regret what I may say, I believe I had determined to out with it. The fourth letter thee said in thy note thee had no knowledge of receiving from me, must have been the one in which Itold thee of a report circulating in the neighbourhood about [the next word, presumably initials, has been torn out of the paper] and myself, the letter was written the first part of the 6th mo. and I am sorry if it fell into other hands than thine. Thereport was that M.G.L. had refused Roger Farquhar and that he now had a notion of Carrie Miller and that if his affections were that easily transferred they hoped she would refuse him also. This originated from a visit I paid at Cousin Roberts* in the spring in compliance with an invitation Carrie had given several of us gentlemen when she left Rockland to come and see her. People will talk but this little thing has made me feel uncomfortable and restrained ever since.

[P inserted for readability] Thee asks in thy letter who the person is that is to make me happy and my home all that I could wish it to be. I wish I had the power of answering this question for it would be more relief to me than anything else I can imagine. I think I know who I would be willing to risk the charge with were she willing to undertake it, but this is yet to be found out and in what way I know not, for when I am showing her my attention I imagine everyone saying Mary Leadbeater, and when I am talking to her I imagine her saying Mary Leadbeater. The cause of this thee will say is a guilty conscience. Well I do see now that I did not do right last winter but I did not see it then. Nor can I see now that as I was deceived as to my real feelings then that I am wrong in the desire that possesses me now, I am certain that I have less discernment than most people and cannot say how congenial we might be. But it has been my prayer that in whichever way it

* Robt. H. Miller, Carrie's father

2021 .0006. 0003j2-2 Roger BF to Mary S. Hallowell -2- 10/20/1861

is decided it may be the best for both of us. But if I have hoped without foundation and my wish is not realized I know not what is to become of me.

"For he that stems the mountain stream with sand or fetters flame with flaxen band, Has yet a harder task to prove By firm resolve to conquer love!"

Thee says thee could not influence a person in such a matter more than to give thy opinion of the worshipped object. Please do not neglect to do this if compatible with thy judgement.

Though not taking thy questions seperatley I think the most of them are answered and I hope satisfactorily. The part of thy letter which reffered to thy own prospects was ver interesting and though I have read it over four or five times it has not joining meeting. I would be so delighted if he felt it right to do so, and it would be so much more pleasant to all of you, though certainly must be more congeniality in married life where there is not this difference between you. Willie thinks I do not take an intrest in his affairs but I hope he will find out he is mistaken, and that we will be firm freinds and pleasant neighbors to each other.

I have not decided yet wether I will go Yearly Meeting or not. I have calculated on going for several months but there are so many difficultys in the way. I have such a quanitity of work to do it is hardly right to leave home and there is no place I could feel easy to stay at in Baltimore without it was a boarding house, and this were I able, would not be consistent with my belief of Friends principles, for I think the real true principle of Friends is beautifull, to assist an unfortunate brother in distress, even of a pecuniary nature, and to willingly return hospitallity at the different meeting gruding it not even to strangers amongst then not hsowing that it is a pleasure to extend it whether expecting to reveive it in return ot not. For there are very few who are not able to entertain their friends as seldom as they are called on to do so but I will say nothing more of the mote in the eyes of the Balto. friends without I was cetain the beam was not of my own. I sincerly wish there may not be one.

Anna and I expect to go to Washington and back tomorrow if the weather is good though we cannot calculate much upon that for it has been so unsettled lately. Anna is then going to Olnoy to stay until after Yearly meeting and what will become of me if she does not come back then, I cannot say. May I am sure thee does not know how much the remark thee made the other evening hurt mem I allude to thy saying thee was glad I could not get allong without Anna, thee may mean the same as to say thee wished I had a permanent companion. In this can heartily

* Willie Brooke, Mary's finace

2021.0006.0003j2-3 Roger BF to Mary S. Hallowell -3- 10/20/1861

joing thee, but in wishing that I may be deprived of the one I have and be obliged to stay by myself is entirly a different thing. Anna's leaving me will not make me more certain of accomplishing other end, but will increase the necessity without procuring the remedy. Return good for evil and answer soon as I will be anxious to know in what light thee regards thy cousin /s/ RBF [initials]