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2021.0006.0003j2-1
Lonesome Hollow
10th mo. 20th 1861
First-day morning

Dear Cousin
I am now about to do, what I have told thee I was not going
to, and also what I had almost made a resolution not to do, that
is to truthfully answer the questions in thy last letter to me,
not because I consider thee has no right to be answered, but
because some of them were of such a nature that I could not
answer them without committing myself more wholly to another's
mercies than I have ever done, and there is something in my
nature that keeps me from desiring sympathy in some particulars
and I fear from this cause I am not sufficiently grateful for
the interest taken in me. If this letter should contain what
I expect it to, there is not another person except thyself that
I would have read it for oceans.

In answering thy queries in refference to the manner in
which I regarded a lady named in thy letter, I will tell thee
what I had not intended to tell anyone but her, or if I had not
told her, to keep locked in my own breast, but trusting in thee
and hopeing I may never have cause to regret what I may say, I
believe I had determined to out with it. The fourth letter thee
said in thy note thee had no knowledge of receiving from me,
must have been the one in which Itold thee of a report circulating
in the neighbourhood about [the next word, presumably initials,
has been torn out of the paper] and myself, the letter
was written the first part of the 6th mo. and I am sorry if it
fell into other hands than thine. Thereport was that M.G.L. had
refused Roger Farquhar and that he now had a notion of Carrie
Miller and that if his affections were that easily transferred
they hoped she would refuse him also. This originated from a
visit I paid at Cousin Roberts* in the spring in compliance with
an invitation Carrie had given several of us gentlemen when she
left Rockland to come and see her. People will talk but this
little thing has made me feel uncomfortable and restrained ever
since.

[P inserted for readability] Thee asks in thy letter who
the person is that is to make me happy and my home all that I
could wish it to be. I wish I had the power of answering this
question for it would be more relief to me than anything else
I can imagine. I think I know who I would be willing to risk
the charge with were she willing to undertake it, but this is
yet to be found out and in what way I know not, for when I am
showing her my attention I imagine everyone saying Mary Leadbeater,
and when I am talking to her I imagine her saying Mary
Leadbeater. The cause of this thee will say is a guilty conscience.
Well I do see now that I did not do right last winter
but I did not see it then. Nor can I see now that as I was
deceived as to my real feelings then that I am wrong in the
desire that possesses me now, I am certain that I have less
discernment than most people and cannot say how congenial we
might be. But it has been my prayer that in whichever way it

* Robt. H. Miller, Carrie's father