A Diary and Journal from the Second Grinnell Expedition

[verso]

18

Lice collect numerously upon their persons. These are looked upon as destroyers of comfort, not as conveying associations of the unclean. They wage war against them as we do against mosquitoes, but after killing them they eat them.

I need go no further, the words [ebesk?] which is the only approach in their language to "dirt or filth", applies merely to mechanical obstructions as [?], the dirt crust on their face is [Ebesk?] "dirt", but the spit or urine which washed it off is not dirt. The evacuations of the child [under?] so copious as to interfere with the action of the hands are not "Ebesk", the secretions of the nose and the parasitical growths of the body are food for the palate and in no respect [?] as [?] unclean.

Spent some time at Etah in examining glacier and sketching household utensals. [Miss S cannot comment on [these?].] among other old friends I saw [Auhahtok?] now recovering from the severe [post?] bite which with a similar misfortune befel [?] in their fearful adventure among the drifting ice. I gave [?] (Bladder float) a piece of red flannel and pow wowed him. He resides with [Utuneat?] in the second hut which is much smaller than Mitek's, his wife is a sister of [Kalutenak?], and quite pretty. I could hardly believe that this [young?] couple would have killed their first born child and pretending ignorance of the matter. I [?] after its health. They turned their hands downward, as much as to say "its gone" but showed no sign of confusion. They did not even pay its memory the cheap compliment of tears, which among thes e people are always at hand.

[recto]

19

There is a singular custom [among them] which I have [?] here and which [?] to the [?], and has its analogues in more cultivated [centres?]. I allude to regulated formalities of mourning the dead with spells of copious weeping. In this all present are expected to join and [?] requires you to wipe the eyes of the Cheif mourner. Often they assemble by concert for this purpose, but very generally one will break out into [?] and the others [?] follow without at first, knowing for what particular bereavement they are weeping.

Any calamity may be thus mourned, the failure of a hunt, the fracture of a walrus line the death of a dog or a grand mother. Mrs. Eider duck né Small belly ([Egurk?]) once looked up from her [kolupdiet?] and burst into a gentle gush of woe; with remarkable presence of mind I took out my handkerchief made of [marten?] out of my [long] an unused [white] [?] and after wiping her eyes, politely wept a few tears myself. This little passage of woe was soon over Eider Duck returned to her [Kolupdiet?] and Naligak to his note book.

The six storm arrested strangers were off early in the morning on their hunt. I sent by them messages of compliment to [Kalutak?] a [kalutaket?] and [?] to advance my negociation for dogs. In the afternoon I started on a walrus hunt [myself]. [?] & myself being sledgemen. We had but Mitek's four dogs.

Walrus form the staple food of the Rensselaer Bay Esquimaux throughout the greater part of the year. To [?] S. about [?[ Channel the seal & [?] & white whale [?] at [?] appropriate seafood, but in

[verso]

20

in [Boreth'd?] Sound these last are accidental rather than sustained hunts. The natives have several [?[ of capturing the walrus and then are directly connected with the season of the year. In the fall when the pack but partially [cleared?] is subjected to [rests?] and broken drift the animals are very numerous, hanging around the [neukal?] [?] of mixed ice and water, and following it as with the advance of winter it solidifies more and more to the South. By means of the young ice the Esquimaux approach the beast either in cracks or holes and often the manner describes last fall spear [?] with [nalegeit?] and line.

This [fishing?], as the season grows colder, [danker?] and more tempestuous is fearfully hazardous. Scarcely a year passed without a catastrophie but although accidents were [?] during the last (a this) season no [less?] were lost a consummation so kindly that the [?] have promised us a successful season. Even as late as December the ice off Cape Alexander yielded, though scantily, enough walrus to supply the settlement. (Mr. S[?] will have copy in A on next page)

With the earliest spring more strictly about month after the reappearance of the sun. The winter famine generally is [released?] Jany. & Feb. are often in fact nearly always months of [privation?] but during the latter parts of March the Spring [Fishing?] commences. Every thing is then life and [?]ment.

The walrus are now taken in two ways. One by the sides of the ice bergs, where the [?] have worn away the ice. Here the animal [?], and enjoying the sun shine too long, has

[recto]

21

Sometimes its retreat cut off by the freezing of the ice for like the seal at its [?], the walrus can only work from below. While thus caught, the Esquimaux, who with keen hunter craft are scouring the floes, scent them out by their dogs and spear them. Sometimes they [?] in the same way from a hole or [?] crack and are similarly confused.

This early spring is the breeding season, and the walrus are in their glory. My observations show that they [?] this [?] throughout the entire [winter] year. Now however, the female with her calf is accompanied by the [?] Father, swaying in loving tries from crack to crack, [?] around the berg water or basking in the sun. While [?] their [?], [?] afford to their vigilant enemies the [?] method of capture, and this which is also by lance & harpoon becomes a regular battle the male gallantly [?] the assault, and charging the hunters with furious [?]. Not infrequently the entire family Mother Calf & Bull are killed. [note A young walrus received by me Mar 26h measured 4f. 10 in length, 29 inches in circumference, and 9 in in expanded [?] of [?] flipper the same flipper of the Mother measure 17 inches.]

[I cannot for want of [home?] [?] adventures.]

The huts there [?] snow covered dens, are now scenes of life & activity. Stacks of [jointed?] meat are piled upon the ice fort. The women are [?] the [?] for [sole?] leather, and the men cutting [?]

[verso]

a reserve of harpoon lines for the winter - tusky walrus heads stare at you from the snow bank where they are stowed for their ivory - the dogs are tethered to the ice and the children each one armed with the curved nib of some big amphibion - are playing ball and bat among the drifts.

On the day of my arrival four walrus were killed at Etah. And I dont know how many by Kalutah at [Pete??-] vik.

The quantity of beef gained during a season of plenty one would suppose ought to put them beyond winter want - but there are other causes than their improvidence which cause scanty supplies -

The poor creatures are not idle - they hunt indomitably without the loss of a day. When the storms prevent the use of the sleds - they still work in storing away the carcases of previous hunts. The quantity thus stowed is excessive - an excavation either on the main lands or what is [illegible] upon an islands unaccessable to foxes - is made by removing stones and into this grave, the jointed meat is stacked - and finally covered with nearby stones.

One such Cache seen by me on a small island - near Samuel Leiper's [testicles?] - contained ten walrus and I know of several others - equally large.

The excessive consumption is the true explanation of the scarcity. By their own wise laws they must share with all - and as they migrate in numbers according to the state of supplies the tax upon each settlement is excessive - The quantity [??] mass

*verso* 24 Foot note

In the leads and shore waters. The highest Northing in which I have seen the Trichechus was in Lat 78^o.52 off Lady Franklin Bay. - While thus following the tides and feeding amidst the floating pack they are unapproachable by the Esquimaux - whose [depriation?] of the Kyak confined the hunter to the ice. It is at this season the late summer or [Ausak?] // note. [Ausak?] - After all ice has melted a sort of 5th Season preceding the new congelation of the fall - the derivation is according to Petersen from [Aupok?] to melt K.// that the 4th method of hunt comes into play. The Walrus during late July and early August are in the habit of resorting to the rocks - probably for sexual purposes. They are then extremely alert and watchful but the Esquimaux note carefully their seats and concealing themselves with care await with patient silence the return of the animal when he is harpooned and caught as by the ice fishing.

The Usuk (P.Barbata) or largest seal of this region is invaluable to these people for harpoon lines harness &c. &c. One of these was killed on the day of my arrival not as an Atluk or breathing hole seal - but emerged upon the ice - All seal thus exposed whether [net seider?] - Usuk or (more rarely seen) Spraglet (Spotted Seal P. Vitulina) are called Utok - (a term applying equally to their hunt but unknown in S. Greenland K.// This reappearance of the Utuk was a source of congratulation - a sort of Jubilee - The little Children Cried Two white whale had been killed further S. near C. Robertson - some of the [?] of this animal - reached me - It was delicious and deserves its antiscorbutic celebrity - This substance - elsewhere described is

*recto*

25 skin with its appended blubber of any whale - It must be highly albuminous as it tastes like the white of eggs - and when fried resembles oysters and by a whitened opalescense shows indications of coagulation. Judging recently from the results of a plate of Matak about a foot square which was dealt out among our most serious cases of haemorhagic scurvy I place it at the head of the antiscorbutic list - Its tendency to heal [sore] fungous gums is a noticeable feature.

Around Northumberland and to the Id. the white whale is a subject of regular pursuit - [of this more in an other place] - The seal are also more numerous - and the Uria and Eider valuable sources of supply.

My departure from Leiper Bay was hastened by the sudden appearance of Hans - with news pf the sickness of Mr. McGeary. I met Hans a [little beyond] while out Walrus hunting near Life Boat Cove and learned by a letter from Dr. Hayes - [who had volunteered] [to attend to Mr McG during my absence] - that his nausea had augmented with spasm hiccup &c. resembling Strangulated Hernia - in a word he feared the very worst - [A more fatiguing ride or rather] [? never fell to lot of feeble man.] I had a load of meat on my [our] sledge - and was therefore unable to make good speed with our four tired dogs. [Mitok and myself] rode & ran by turns and reached the brig - 50 miles {after meeting Hans} - {in seven hours-} I was so exhausted coming from the bright glare without to our lamps within every thing seemed blue and the flying flies were are thick before my eyes as lamp black - McGeary to my intense relief was over the crisis of his attack - which I think must have been the passage of a gall stone - through the Chole[dock?] gut -

[verso] I did not bring Hans back with me but gave him orders My orders to Hans had been to been to go to Peteravik and invite Kalutanek to the brig. I sent by him a present of a Capstain bar - valued on account of the excellent adaptation of the wood for harpoon shafts. Morton scrubbed me in a tub of hot water for I was lice from head to foot - but mercurial ointment gave me some relief and I succeeded at last in sleeping.

All things else were doing well, and the sick steadily advancing towards health [and] strength.

Wednes. Cont^d.

The open water has not advanced from the south more than four miles within the past three weeks. It is still barely within Cape Alexander. This water is a source of serious anxiety to me for the South Easters seem to have hardly affected it. Our experience has taught us that the swell created by South winds rapidly breaks up the ice, now there can be no swell to the S^o. or these heavy gales would have done the same. I argue from this two unfortunate conditions one the presence of of [?] pack in the North Water of the whalers and the other a melancholy correspon- ding tardiness in the approach of water - upon this water depends the liberation of our brig, as well as the transit of our boats crew [and] [?] should we be obliged to forsake her. Last year (as by 1^st ice inspection, of her [?] [and] [?] Sea note book) we found on the 10. May, the water already surrounding Littleton I^d and rising to within two miles of Refuge Inlet.

[recto] It is now 40 miles further off!!

Thursd. Apr. 19.

Petersen and Ohlsen work by short spells getting ready for the load of carpentering duties necessary for boats sledges [etc.] Every thought is turned by me to the contingency of a forced departure. I will not leave the brig until it is absolutely certain that she cannot thaw out this season but I will have every thing matured for our instant departure as soon as her fate is decided.

We are still without workers, and the pressure of things to be done most alarming but every detail is arranged, and if the sick go on as they have done I do not doubt but that we can carry our boats some thirty or 40 miles over the ice before a decision as to the advance of the waters enables me to remain with or desert the brig.

Friday Apr. 20

Started a relief watch of Reilley Bonsall and Morton to saw out sledge runners from our cross beams. They can only manage 1/2 hour per [?] as they are very weak and the terms. at night descent to -26^o. Nearly all our beams are consumed for fuelt, butI have have saved enough to construct two long sledges runners of 17. [?] each. I could not permit Mr. Ohlsen to use short sledges, made up from the [?] 11 feet sledge of Hardwicke (D. Raes[?] pattern[?[) I want a sledge sufficiently long to bring the weight of the whale boat and her stowage within the line base of the runner, that will prevent warbling and pitching (or rocking fore [and] aft) in crossing hummocked ice, and enable us to cradle the boat so firmly to the sledge as to give neither an undue strain. Ohlsen sees the force of this view [and] we are

[verso] breaking out our cabin bulk head to extract the beam. [?] [?] back is down. Cold vapour fills our cabin [?] every thing is comfortless, blanket makes a poor substitute for the moss padded wall which had protected us from -60^o.

Hans nearly due is daily expected. Jenny one of his dogs has a bad foot. Kane a diarrhoea from cold after walrus meat, McGary nearly well [and] few scurvy symptoms.

Satur. Apr 21

Morton's heel nearly closed, and apparently a sound bone underneath. He has now been since October laid upon his back. Soon I can set this faithful and valuable man to active duty, I feel as if we had an accession of half a dozen Long Bills to our company, a doubtful compliment to Morton.

The beam was too long to be carried through our hatches it caught between our [?] and main mast we therefore saw it as it stands and will carry up the slabs separately. These slabs are but 1-1/2 in. wide and [?] must be strenthened then by iron bolts and cross pieces, still they are all that we have. I made the bolts out ofour cabin curatin rods, long disused. Mr. Petersen aids Ohlsen in grinding his tools, they will complete the job tomorrow for we must work on Sunday now, and by Monday be able to commence work Petersen, who is a first rate tinker undertakes to manufacture our cooking [and] mess gear. I have a sad looking assortment of battered rusty tins to offer him but with stovepipe much may be done.

Sick the same, John is getting his legs, Whipple will be made to get his. I suspect him, Goodfellow is as usual my one impracticable nuissance. I can't get him

[recto] out of bed or dry his mattrass. We have only two days more of meat on hand but we eat or have eaten without stint and expect daily to see Hans with a fresh supply.

Sunday Apr. 22.

Gave rest for all but the sawyers who keep manfully at the beam some notion of our weakness may be formed from the fact of these five poor fellows averaging among them but one foot per hour and a volunteer spell by Petersen and Ohlsen. I read our usual allowances prayers, and Dr. Hayes who feels sadly the loss of his foot came aft and also by consent crawled upon deck to sniff the daylight. He had not seen the sun for 5 months and three weeks. Bonsall sleeps in his hammock truly increasing the ventilation of my own corner since the scurvy had prostrated the party. I as a matter of principle have retained no bunk no peculiar of any sort. On the platform and abreast of it say 8 feet by 18 we stow 8 sleepers an undue division of atmostphere for respiration. For me while a single one of the returned party are without a dry berth I will retain none for myself. My bunk first went to Dr. Hayes, and when his stump healed to Goodfellow via Morton, who gave the boy his bed and took my own himself. It is a part of Henry's dignity to refuse the direct occupation of my bunk, but to accept Mortons by my interposition, the same gallant gentleman will refuse a plate of food culled by my own hand, but will heat freely of my cookery presented by another. The records of his short lived return to duty were neglected he neither dated nor registered his meteorological observations and now the only break in upon the integrity of the series is due to him. I had to reinstate as gentleman passenger.

Copy to here [?]

Hans continued stay leads me to hope that Kalutanak may bite at my proposal of a hunting party and thus afford dogs for my journey.

[verso] Mon. Apr. 23.

Hard at it, all our light sail is triced up to dry in order to await McGearys recovery when the spare canvas will be used for boat sails. He is an old and prodigal whaler I will leave the fitting out of the whale boats entirely to him. Morton and others continue at the saw, two half lengths of the beam are already cut. The broken whale boat was carried to the sunny side of the brig. On the [after] starboard [?] quarter where Petersen and Ohlsen have their joint workshop. A tent with black india rubber cloth presenting to the sun I rigged upon a stage on the forecastle as a thawing spot for Goodfellow Wilson, Sonntag and our stiff legged patients. Every thing is cheerful bustle and alacrity. It is hard to realise the changes wrought by our last two loads of walrus meat: it comforts me - who still am sore and stiff with the long journey, that my people are so loosened out.

Hans has not returned but although our meat gives out tomorrow we give ourselves little concern about it. I am momentarily looking for the boy, not liking the condition of the team who are overtraveled and foot sore, both "Jenny" and "Big Yellow" wear boots.

Tomorrow have determined to clear off our snow [and] turf roof on deck. This will be a hard but necessary job for the increasing heat of the sun. Now + 26^o max. by a puched therm: will soon thaw us out. I am not without hopes that this dislodgement of winter snow will now as much increase our warmth as its presence did during the winter cold.

Our winter lodge room before being dismantled may be understood a rough section. We are completely entombed in moss. While the galley by acting as a ventilating [?] gives us ready

[recto] Section of Brig looking aft I Galley House Ventilator II Our lodge room III Cable line a Snow drift b deck covering 3 feet deep c Turf lining e [Fig 2?] Entry [Sketch depicting brig from two angles and showing the sections listed above]

access to the outer air. It is but the work of a minute to flood our room with fresh air, and renew atmosphere after atmosphere. By a single current I can condense the cold air of -50^o in a white hoars frost over wood work metal and every tolerably conducting surface, close my valves let my fire have its full draught and in a few minutes after we will be clean warm and dry. The non conducting wall which encases having hardly changed its temperature. This contrivance alone has enabled me to lodge eighteen men in an apartment of 18. x 16. x 6.

Tuesday Apr. 24

Completed one slab of the beam, Ohlsen is placing bottom timbers - good and strong in our whale boats. These will stiffen and strengthen them much for sledge carriage. McGary is able to lay up by hand small cordage for his boats.

Have got the port side of deck cleared of snow [and] moss, and the guage taken for flour [and] bread bags. Tarpaulined [and] hung out to dry 14 bags of measured sizes. These were made up during winter by my poor sick folks. Every body is busy - working too with a will I have but one bos[s] - I my self. Tis hard this but can't be helped.

Bim! Bim! Bim! The signal again - Hans has come. We will have meat for supper if we did dine on beans!

[verso] I run on deck and am greeted by another of our wild contrasts. Three teams of dogs are baying at their tethering cords and five Esquimaux yelling "Jima!."

Among the most prominent of the natives was Kalutinak - a glance assured me of the success of my dog project, it was evidently a hungting party - two noble teams of six dogs - harpoons - lances - light equipment every thing convinced me at a glance - Now for to fuse the hunt into an exploration of the N. Channel. I will wait - Indian fashion until eat [food] and sleep brings [the] talk. [Even with] [these savages haste is indecorous].

The natives are around me eating their stew laughing and questioning and breaking in upon poor Petersen whose services are usurped by myself. Kalutak has the place of honour on my own platform - he has the nature of a gentleman this Kalutak. He receives and thanks me for my presents. the first "Kuyanake" "thank ye" that I have yet heard from Smith Strait Esquimaux - "he will be happy to join his friend the big headsman ([naklisak?]) in a hunt. He does not believe that three [there?] are [ominmak?] (musk ox) but he [?] in the north dessert but he knows that we may expect bears."

Thus it is at last [is] a prospect of the leading wish of my heart being gratified. I see clearly that I can purchase an exten- sion of their journey and trusting in Provi- dence, a few hours will see me ready.

A fortnight ago I was on the floes and twice within this week I've been sledging it again - more than 300 miles of hard wearing travel only to bring about this result Now that I see things open ahead of me my sick recovering - the coming duties chalked out and under weigh - I cannot help

[recto] feeling that something is watching me and modifyiing my path for fixed ends. That I frail Elish Kane the bedridden of last year should [now] be the only well and able man of this expedition is puzzling enough. It may be that I am reser- ved to take my dear friend Henry Grinnell by the hand and say your confidence has not been misplaced - I have not failed you or myself. It may be "as in strange lands the traveller walking slow, in doubt and great perplexity, a little before moonrise heard the low wail of an unknown sea."; that I taxed beyond corporeal endurance give way on the brink of consummating my hopes crying "I have discovered a new land but I die!."

Wednes. Apr. 25.

Kalutanak called himself my [asakaotut?]* or "friend" and seems greatly pleased by the distinction which I draw between him and the other Esquimaux. He sits with the accordion - of which none ever accord - braying horrible discord but is always devout in his respect and intelligent and interested in his questions. Oh my expressing a fear as to the effect of raw meat upon me - to the exclusion of other diet - he said that he had noticed that frozen beef agreed with his bowels and helped to warm him when he changed from summer to winter food. This man quotes "his experience "I have found." Constantly. All the others seem to rely implicitly upon his opinions yet poor Kalutak has not become oracular. I like the man, he has man stuff in him.

A couple of snow birds were seen by Mr. Bonsall on 23^d inst. - a week earlier than last year. * "I like you well"

[verso] Thurs. Apr. 26. 6.a.m.

Too busy yesterday to write. Am just about to leave and can leave as far as regards my ship and people with an easy mind. Bye bye dear home folks.

Satur. Apr. 28. Was ever so tormented, bedevilled and body torn man, angel, or devil. I'm back again after [an utter failure to get beyond the great glacier] 58 hours absence. The whole of which time - except four hours sleep in the open air - was one continued bear hunt. The exposure has been precious. Had I been told that I could have stood it there would have been to me no rational clue by which to sustain [such] a fact. We have been to the great glacier and back, making detours for bear at every group of ice bergs and ranging an ice surface whose rectilinear diameter cannot be less than 200 miles our estimated distance travelled being [could not be] about [less than] 450 miles.

My party consisted of Kalutak, Shang-hu, and [?]. The two first with six dogs each the last with only four. Hans armed with the Marston rifle was my only companion from our ship's company.

We stood at first by my own [?] due N. and recognoitred the ice from a berg about 15 miles from the vessel. The ice ahead looked uncheering [?] [?] piled up this fall in the outside tide channel. My Esquimaux never the less acceeded to my will to attempt the passage of this ice and I think would have been as good as their words but for an unfortunate bear who drew them from their route and rendered them perfectly dead to every thought but their hunt. This instinct of

[recto] chase converted them into unmanageable savages They seemed blind to every thing but the passion of pursuit. Off they sped with incredible speed, clinging to their sledges and cheering their dogs, a mad wild chase, wilder than German legend. The dogs wolves, the drivers devils.

We halted but once and then took four hours sleep upon the naked ice. They had now tracked a second bear to a large berg off Cape Fredrick where the beast had caught and partially devoured a large seal. The dogs had gorged themselves upon this carcass and would not move so we rested that they might sleep and desist for the morrow. In reply to my remonstrances and urgent entreaties for them to resume their promised route they said as was indeed true that to cross here was impossible and I remembering the two poor fellows in their graves - at this very passage - could not urge it. Kalutak said that the bear were valuable to themselves and families and Nalagak had no right to make him unable to provide for them. It was [?] clear that all hopes of using his dogs for exploration were to be abandoned, but having still a chance of obtaining four from Mitek I stipulated for the earliest return to the brig.

On rising from a sleep in open air [?] [?] twelve below zero - the hunt was resumed and continued until I saw that my last remaining hope with Mitek would be endangered, whereupon I forced them to return. By this time we were abreast of the great glacier - of which I obtained sextant angles and sketched worn out dogs [and] men reached the ship next day.

[verso] As I have slept but a few hours I cannot give details of this wonderful journey - it did not however advance one single iota my wishes of another search

[?] [and] [?] were sent away fully laden with wood and other presents and an engagement from me taken for Mitek to come up with his four dogs. They themselves to loan me one dog from each team making two which added to Mitek's would be six fast animals. Upon the continued loan of which I provided future payment to all the parties. It pleased me to find that I had earned a character with these people at first so suspicious and distrustful. They left on board each man his dog without a shade of doubt as to my good faith - after which - begging me to watch the poor animals feet as the famine had nearly exterminated their stock - they gave me good wishes and departed for Etah to aid me with Mitek. To understand this act in all its courtesy and trust you must suppose the dog a valued horse one of about twenty [absolutely] needed for wants of a large area of territory. lint to a transient visitor upon the contingency of a reward which he himself was to determine upon a risky service in which if unsuccessful in attaining his end there had to be no payment [?] to return the beast to his owner seventy miles distant from your dwelling !

All doing well on board - sick

[recto] improving but out of meat again. I have just eaten like a glutton the last mouthful. Mr. Brooks sent Godfrey down to the huts at Petervik for a fresh load which may be expected by Monday. So we live earning our bread by a wild life - totally unlike the quiet routine of our English predecessors.

This is their season for the "winter sledge parties" with us winter has past and spring is full upon us. The winter in its deepest darkness saw us [groping?] down to the walrus grounds - or seeking reindeer on the hills. Not for five months (nearly six) have we eaten [that] ship's poison - salted pork and beef - we have lived as the natives live, and shunned no exposure. I must have journied, by mingled walk run and ride, by sledge during this horrible winter over [eleven hundred] eight hundred miles. Why, the reflection comes to me, why may not Franklin's men, at least some of them, have done and be now doing the same thing. We are the nearest counterparts to poor Franklin's supposed case [than] of any who have preceded us. What man with his [eyes] opened by hard experience dared say that his (Franklin's) party are extinct.

[I am] Engaged sewing [fur clothing] for the next attempt should [to reach the [?] in case] Mitek [should] say yes. This last ride had torn my clothing to rags even my seal skin trousers. there is an art in sitting a sledge equal to that of backing a horse. I thought until this last wild goose chase that I had acquired it but my conceit has been taken out of me.