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that it might follow that our future life together may not be the perfect & wonderful life to which we now look forward. You must not think that I am white washing myself, or being too good to be true - because I have thought it all out quite hard. Not being a saint, it is impossible for somebody as lonely & unhappy & young & healthy, as I am, not to consider the possible solutions. I have come up against various attractive enough young women, & they mostly look fairly kindly upon myself & my crowns - & I certainly react to their shape & [ ?] & so on - but always it makes me overwhelmingly nostalgic for you & that is all I can think about. And there has been no case of temptation, so far. And I have considered temptation in its most incidious or difficult form. For example, if I were to meet a pretty & willing girl, & who was in the same condition as you are, with her husband in England as the [ ?] - & she wanted a solution too. I still feel that your love for me & hold over me is easily strong enough to resist temptation for me. And on top of that, I have my love for you. I told you before, I should hate & despise myself & be very disappointed in myself. No, my own darling one - you are the one & only woman for me, & will always be so. And I shall always fight & work & [ ?] so that I am the only man for you and for this war to end or me to be sent home. And darling, you say that I alarm you, in
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case you do not come up to the standard of my picture of you. And you said you thanked me for my "sweet & loving & flattering" letters. You must not say flattering, darling - the word has a meaning of insincerity, which does not apply to anything I ever say to you. You must not & need not feel alarmed, my sweetest darling - when I come home, I will love you & adore you & admire you & make love to you, much more than I do in my letters, & that will go on for the whole of our lives. I am the one who must try even harder than I ever did before, to come up to the standard of a person as wonderful as you - & to the standard which I set myself in my own mind & in my letters to you. I have been working very hard ever since I began this letter on Friday. Saturday's lunch was a failure, as the Col cried off at the last moment. Mrs Samuel was very upset & annoyed, which made me feel all the more that there really was something behind it all. However, we had a very excellent lunch & a pleasant one, & I was back here at 4.0 & sent the buxom Helen back to her Depot. She is a remarkably dull & senseless woman, & I really cannot talk to her - & especially as she is so bloody pleased with her own importance & efficiency. At night I had to attend a conference with the R.A.F. about defense, & which was pretty abortive. So much so that I spent all Sunday evening talking to the Brigade Major about the same thing. I told you at the beginning of this letter that the dust should rise - but it hasn't. It is an
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absolute bugger- I am furious + dejected + wiser too The complacency here is terrific- the New Statesman would call it Brook Poppery. But people do not want trouble or unpleasantness, + will bury their heads + blind their eyes to avoid it. It will be bloody troublesome + fucking unpleasant if the Nazis have a go at Palestine. You would really think that the command would be plesed that somebody, like myself was taking an interest responsibility. But no I am looked upon as rather a nuisance + an embarrasment. I really believe - + when I tried to see the Area Cmdr the day before, yesterday, I was merely informed that he knew the situation. God, but its awful. I have tried really hard the last few days to do something about it but it is impossible- I feel very browned off + disappointed I do wish I was more important + had more authority. As it is I always have the feeling of being told to mind my own business + just attend to my own job. I am really beginning to understand the saying that we muddle through- + always win the last battle. The trouble is the expense which is thousands of unnecessary lives lost + months of time wasted - + you + I kept apart. It is difficult to feel contented with it darling- but you must please try to do so. I must post this one off. I am dying to hear more from you about Cambridge - [illegible] have gone all wrong again.
I will pray & hope for better news - & you must too. And until it comes, I love you my darling. & long for you & Maxie & think always & only of you. XXX Harry.
