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New York Autust 15, 1800
I had been expecting a letter from you for a long time, my dear Margaret, before your welcomed one arrived. Do send me the two sheets you had written, you can not wound my feelings by a mere development of your own. I think I can conjecture the long conversation to which you allude. Was it not the night we walked in the wind by the long grass and the cherry trees at your brothers.
Recollect dear Margaret, how I have received your communication. It was with such painful difficulty you made it, that I believe my apparent insensibility surprized you. Yet the manner of my receiving it did not flow from that source. I feel my faults very keenly; though they may sometimes be hidden from my view. Yet, when a friendly hand under the veil of concealment, I recognize them with pain indeed, and with salutary pain and respond with more affection the benevolent being who by disclosing my error pointed out the path to amendment.
But in this last communication this was not the case. I did not feel much pain, because I could not realize the existence of what you mentioned. I was sorry that such was your opinion, since you in some degree apprehensive that I might be self deceived, but M was nearing when compared to what I should have offered had my conscience accorded me of a vice I so much detest as selfishness.
Why did I hesitate to write it, can that be a proof that I have some portion
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of it? I do not think it amounts to that, for my cheeks do not burn, as they do when I reflect on my faults, not does my hand tremble.
But what you said to has been of real service. I have since been more assidious in my attention to others. Not from an artful design of ingratiating myself in their good graces, for that I should despise myself. But from the belief that such attentions, though small in themselves, simply yet collectively contributed in no small degree to the general happiness, and to increase the general happiness is my duty. So my dear Margaret, you see, you may adventure to send me the letter.
I have said more than I intended on this subject. I glanced my over the beginning of your and seeing it there intended to say a word or two about it and pass on. But you, my dear Margaret have taught me to expatiate, another shared with me you former disposition to do so. You letter has indeed given me much happiness, it is not the plan I wished to take place, the moment I heard that Mr Jefferson would be president.
I shall certainly be with you though not I think for to stay a whole month, and I wish to be very happy while I am with you. I would rather defer quitting New York while there is some degree of certainty respecting yellow fever, for were I to hear of its being in the city, while I was at Brunswick, I should not be easy till I had hastened home. I have been two days at Maria Nicholson, and was surprized to hear when I returned that your friend had been in the city, and had not called to see me, for I was at home all monday. But I excused him when I heard he had only staid an hour, and that he had not passed through Brunswick.
How glad I am that you consented to bear all the inconvienences of a wintered residence at a newly settled place. Some exertion no doubt will be necessary, none however which you are not able to make. Take care, my beloved friend, that you do not estimate expected felicity too highly, and thus give entrance to disappointment. I will know the difficulty of restraining the
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imagination on such subjects, mine has too often shift from the guidance of my sober reason, and presented such heart-winning scenes of domestic rational enjoyment, that I have almost regretted that I was not destined thus to bless and to be blessed.
And if mine, my dear Margaret, has thus strayed, what must yours do which is so much more powerful. It is now my constant endeavor to keep mine within due bounds, very rigid ones too sometimes fancy. I have not suffered it to travel this road a great many months. For perhaps I never may marry, or if I should, I may meet with a very different being from my ideal companion and then my disappoinment may make me slight every comfort which I might have really enjoyed had I not unwisely [] an unattainble standard by which to estimate their merits.
I think you right in allowing me to tell M Bleeker. His long friendship demands this proof of your confidence, and as you say, he would soon hear it from another quarter. I think he improved, Margaret, that is, I find more pleasure in his company than formerly. He is not so profuse in witticisms.
I saw Mr Barker this morning, talked to him a good deal. Yet that was not what I wanted, I wanted him to talk to me. I cannot form an opinion of him yet.
I have been quite uneasy at not hearing from Mary Smith, wanting to write to her very much, that she had not answered my last letter, but I seemed not to have any thing that related to myself of sufficient importance to write, and enquiries after the health of another, though it deeply interested me, yet seemed so little to write about.
While I was at Greenwich, D Miller, Mr Johnson, Mr Bleeker and Miss Roe made Mrs Higginson a visit at New York.
I saw Mr Johnson and Mr Brown last evening. The latter expects to be in Brunswick the first of next week, and Mr Bleeker I believe, will accompany him. They talk of going to Philad together. It would be a mad scheme for WB at this season of the year.
To you friend with you more, when is the time that I have anticipated on your account with so much pleasure. So write to me soon, a long, long letter Adieu dear Margaret, your sister Maria Templeton
