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Sally Hemings, B.S. Vol 1, No.20

OKAY, SENIORS. So you've got a big hot degree now. So you're gonna get out there, take the world by the horns, show that you're a responsible citizen, join the Jaycees, got to PTA three times a month, become a pillar of your church, have the boss home to dinner, drink a martini every night, drive to work with Fred's carpool, mow the lawn each Saturday, buy that motorboat, go on two week's vacation each year, send your boys first to Little League, then boy scouts, then college, then a brush-fire war (where they'll be killed), get that promotion to Executive Vice-President In Charge Of Sales, work hard on weekends, develop an ulcer, have acid indigestion, find that you have iron-poor tired blood, and finally die of a heart attack. During this period, you will have consumed hundreds of pounds of patent medicine, strewn your beer cans from here to the Eastern Nevada National Forest, smoked several thousand pounds of cigarettes, used millions of gallons of gasoline, voted in more wars, dutifully told yourself the system works, denounced anti-war students, screwed at least six dumb secretaries, and ignored your children. You mortgaged your house, felt threatened by Blacks, invested in a few stocks, bought what the television told you to buy and voted for whom the television told you to vote. You're a 100 percent American. You built an ethic of happiness on consumption. You helped milk the rest of the world of its natural resources. And because of it, nationalists everywhere called you a pig, threw rocks at your embassies, kidnapped your ambassadors, and revolted against governments you helped to buy. If you looked the other way when your government installed petty dictators, you applauded when your government went to war to protect them. ("If it's anti-American, it must be Red.")

And all along, you saluted your banner with the phrase "liberty and justice for all."

THE JOHN WAYLES-WOODROW WILSON AWARD TO: Deans Alan Williams and Robert Canevari for making the Lawn safe for Democracy.

THE SAMUEL ADAMS-WEATHERMAN AWARD TO: God for cleansing the lawn of the makers of war on the sixth day of the sixth month: " . . . all the fountains of the great deep [were] broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

"And the rain was upon the earth . . . "And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth . . ."

THE BOYS IN THE BAND AWARD TO: The Boys in the Band.

"SLAVES ARE PEOPLE WHO WAIT FOR OTHERS TO LIBERATE THEM."