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has always meant the most to me is the "humemistic" side the moral and ethical and
more human and humane aspects rather than the miraculous the eternal the
heavenly etc. I've never thought much about the "second coming" or "being saved"
or "going to heaven" etc and really don't find much meaning in such ideas. I don't
have any visual or mental image of heaven or similar terms and I honestly believe
that when I die there is nothing my body decays I have no "external soul" which
will go on living only my memory will remain in those who know me and that too
will fairly soon fade away.

All of the above is fairly "negative" I know and represents my most "rational" ideas
on the subject. But my thoughts have not stopped over the last year and -a- half of course
and there are other sides creeping into the picture. I still don't believe in much
of what is essentially Christianity- Jesus is to me supremely human as I read the Bible
and only symbolically divine in that the story of his life outlines the highest moral behavior
possible to man sets the perfect example. There is much wisdom in the Bible both old
and new testaments (I particularly like Romans or at least did a year ago) but it is
a book written in time by men about mankind and some of its values [e.g. an eye for
an eye] as well is its most publicized statements (e.g. Genesis the creation the virgin birth etc)
are not accessible to me. But I have gone to church several times in recent months and
it is not a meaningless experience in spite of all this. I find very rich human meaning
in all the thoughts of Christianity and the question it asks are well worth frequent
consideration even if I don't accept all the solutions offered and the code of ethics
proposed is pretty much that by which I try to love. BEsides this thinking though
I find other values I enjoy singing hymns and the silence and peace of prayer and I
even find myself praying sometimes ( not just saying words but thinking them). I don't
understand all my feelings and I just accept them try not to suppress this other
deeper understanding with a constant flood of rational analysis. There may be a
god. I don't know and I sometimes behave on the hope or assumption that there is
if He exists to me he is a spirit concerned with the growth of the spirit of man
not so much with the security of nations or the salvation of souls or the happiness
of his children. In other words God is to me the source of "humanism of beauty
love creativity kindness goodness (as defined by the 4 preceding ideas), etc.

And now after this rambling dissertation I can get back to your letter and
make a few comparisons First though I hope darling that in an effort to
reach understanding I don't tread on your own faith for I want to always
respect and cherish it for you even of mine is not the same. I tend your
"Proofs for the existence of God" (to quote somebody from CV I forget who) really
wonderful and I often thinking along similar lines that nature and love and
humanity are more than things existing to be analyzed and understood that
they are the essence of goodness of "godliness" (the two words are more than
accidentally alike I'll bet) and these thoughts humble my rational side and
make me more wondering more sensitive more prayerful in a way. And then
your phrase "Be still and know thaT I am god" expresses quite well the
feeling that remains. So you see darling I am in a sort of ambiguous state
in all of this doing things I don't understand find meaning in things.