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I find that may of my errors in judgement arise from the habit which is so common among all shapes of reasoners, moralists, philosophers & diviners, of illustrating a moral point, by a physica analogy; Thus when we compare life to a voyage or a tempestuous ocean, we make use o the threat'ning waves, the roaring winds, the rocks, thunder, lightning &c to which [word?] voyages are subject, as figures which truely represent the evils incident to human life. -- What can be more false! - He who commits himself to the elements, has no control over them, he cannot hush the winds, speak peace to the troubled waves, or turn aside the thunderbolts of heaven! -- But which of the evils incident to life, can we not avert by foresight, by wisdom, by temperance by virtue? Sickness, is that which seems most out of our own control, but even that, in most cases, might be prevented by care & temperance. The ills of life, are generally of our own procuring, & there are few who if they impartialy examine their own hearts, who will not acknowledge that its sorrows & its joys depend much less on [their?] external circumstances over which we have little or no control than on our affections, passions, & tempers. From my own experience & from my observation on others, I am persuaded that this is the case; & that there is no situation, which can make us miserable or make us happy, independent of ourselves. In the proper regulation & government of our affections, passions & tempers, consists human felicity.
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If we are unhappy let us not blame our destiny, & idly set down to suffer; let us rather turn our eye inward, & instead of complain ing of circumstanceas which we cannot change, examine ourselves. & perhaps we will discover, that by moving the mind to activity, by calming the restlessness of our passions, by softening our tempers, we may find that happiness within our own bosoms, which we have sought for in vain from the circumstances & accidents of life. For my own part, if I have been happier, than most others have been, I attribute it chiefly to this power, of drawing my happiness more from within than without myself. Often have I been in a situation, which had an other been the judge, they would have decided to have been miserable. --but I have been happy. If any thing or any person displeases me, I try to forget the cause, by thinking of some more agreable object or circumstance; if I am sick I try to forget it by reading something amusing, or by sending forth my imagination in search of agreable images, & some of my most pleasing hours have passed in the bed of sickness. If I form an agreable scheme & am disappointed, instead of thinking a moment on the scheme that has failed, I set myself to work to form a better. I never voluntarily indulge melancholy, or disatis -faction with myself or others. I continualy cultivate a cheerful & a contented disposition & where I cannot accomodate circum stances to my wishes, I try to accomodate my wishes to my circumstances. --- My dear daughter, before the time arrives, at which the instructions & experience of your mother, can assist you, that mother may be taken from you by death, in this case, I should die without being known to my darling children, they would be ignorant how fondly they were beloved, how [word?] they were thought of, how tenderly watched over by their mother. if such should be the decree of heaven, let this book speak for me my children; in these page you may
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converse with your mother; here you [shall?] find a true history of my life, a transcript of my heart. Thus tho' your infant memories may retain no impressions, these lines may make known to you your mother. -- How sweet; how consoling is this idea, how pleasing to imagine, that tho' separated from you I may still have some influence over your happiness, & that my precepts & my example may still be yours, altho death may deprive you of my cares! -- Ah may this idea be ever present to my mind, it will strengthen me under every trial, it will console me under every misfortune. Yes my daughters, you shall be the confidants of every thought of every feeling, of every circumstance, you shall know your mother: may a knowledge of her errors, guard you against the like, may the example of her virtues, [word?] in the imitation. I will live for you; hence forth every [word?] shall be known to you, good or bad, right or wrong -- What a strong, what an irresistible inducement will this resolution have, always to adhere to the right, & to avoid the wrong. -
In reviewing the last year, gratitude to the disposer of all things, is the predominant sentiment in my heart, & a regret that my time has not been better improved. At the moment when we are [word?] to the discharge of any duty, many little circumstances may lead us to neglect it, such as slight sickness, indolence, company, an interesting book & many such triffles. These are soon forgotten & when we take a retrospective view of our conduct, we see in all its force the error we have commited & regret, vainly regret a neglected duty. In October, we left [word?] after passing two months there & settled ourselves again in the City. -- I brought back with me at least 50 volumes
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which it had been my intention to read, but -- not one of them had been read! -- How natural is to try & excuse ourselves, but anxious as I may be, I can find none that will now satisfy me for throwing asside these instructive works & reading in their stead those of mere amusement. During the whole of my residence at Spring Hill my mind was strangely diseased I could apply to nothig with effect, & altho' most of the time I had leisure, I had not the fervor to improve it an irresitible & unaccountable melancholy took possession of me; whether it was the lonely wildness of the scenery, the total solitude in which I lived, or the still linger ing remains of sickness, I know not, but never before, or since have I [word] such entire desertion of spirits. When I came back to the City, I busied myself in arrang ing the house & preparing for winter. At this time the hope of being again a mother, gladdened my heart, but it was the occasion during the three successive months, of such extreme sickness, that I could not hold up my head half the time, but lay on the sopha reading novels, when I was well enough to read. James Bayard, arrived & being put under my immediate care, I roused myself to pay those attentions which were necessary. It was my serious & earnest wish, to do all I could to correct those faults to which he had been liable when in New York. Through the day he was busy in the office, but of an evening I read with him & generaly in french. The opening of the session of Congress, enlived the city, I entered into society, but with little interest, In part of December Susan Smith arrived; I then saw more company & went more into society, that is more into rooms crowded with persons whom I neither knew or cared for; -- How many tedious evenings have I passed in what is called gay company. As I
