Diary_1804-1807_part_one

[same as page 34]

[same as page 35]

-formed into blessings - on the present occasion the affection of my dear sister, the unremitting cares, & numerous [?] of the increased love my my husband, were so soothing to my heart, & imparted such gleams of joy & comfort to the future, that they not only consoled me for my present loss, but have given a new charm to life. Ah ah-----

October 26 A storm to day, equally violent with the one this day last year. I did not enjoy it so much for last year I was in the country, where the various forms & sounds of nature inspired feelings we never can experience in a city. Maria & I sat at our [work?] all day. The fell same depth but did not lay longer than next day at noon --

Sydney, March 23 - 1806 -

I have passed, what is called a gay winter, that is I have been at many card parties, balls & [?]. I have not passed one evening indeed scarcely one hour alone. -- But has this been gaiety, has this been the life of pleasure recalled, but how falsely, so called I have fully experienced. - Blessed as I am [deleted]into[deleted] in every circumstance conducive to rational hap-piness, have I enjoyed them? - no. that very life, called a gay life, has rendered the rich gifts of Providence useless & unimproved. - I have had health so has my dear husband & children. I have had the society of a dear & much esteemed friend, books leisure & every domestic comfort which fortune could bestow. - Alas, how little have I enjoyed, how little improved my time & circumstances. - When I review the last 5 months I can not fix on a single day which I have passed as either interest or duty would have dictated. - I console myself with thinking it was the unavoidable concequence of being in a city & going into society. Yet I cannot but acknowledge I might have done better. - How unfavorable to the performance of duty, to the improvement of mind, to the pleasures of the imagination to the [exercise?] of the affections, is a residence in the city, when subject to the interruptions of company - When I was in the [morning?], I immediately breakfasted & before I had arranged the [?] cleaned away the breakfast table, attended to the childen, [dressed?] for the day a [deletion] f[?] for dinner, it was past 12 oclock. If I seated myself at work & took a [book?], I was equaly [inter?]

rupted by [visitants?] for scarcely a morning passed without such desultory habits were thus produced that the mind was left feeble, inactive, & distracted. At times when inclinded to read with attention to turn my eye inward I see what was [?] passing, to reflect on the past or resolve for the future, those unceasing calls or interruptions of society diverted me from myself, wthout interesting me for others, time passed thus, was often wearisome, for when we associate with those who [deleted]have[deleted] excite no interest, [deleted]in our a[deleted] our affections are chilled, & when the mind is inactive or the heart cold, life cannot be enjoyed.- My associ -ations were among what is called the best. The first society. Therefore, I cannot cast [inserted]the blame on[inserted] the circle in which I moved, no, no, to live in a fashionable circle, to live in a city, is to part with ones liberty. Alass, what do we gain by the sacrifice of all the pleasures of reflection, of imagination, of meaning, of feeling, of a discharge of domestic duty, the constant presence of our children, to contemplation of the ever changing, but ever beautiful appearance of [deletion] nature, what do we gain? For me, nothing! I love society, but not such as I have hitherto enjoyed at Washington. To me that society is barren of enjoyment where the heart & mind finds neither exercise nor ex -pression. - In the country we have not what is called company, but in the country I am