Diary_1804-1807_part_one

There is in extreem pleasure, an acuteness of sensation, which by increasing our sensibility enables us more perfectly to enjoy our transient moments of happiness. In periods of great sorrow on the contrary, the mind is deaden'd by langour & the eyes wearied with weeping, [naturaly?] close & find relief in sleep: Thus is the goodness of providence, obvious even amidst [deletion] its chastisements. - Atala. -

Sometimes one [caught?] in the swamps for a flower whose form was that of a cup or bell, which [usualy?] was filled with pure dew & contained about a glass full; we recieved the reviving gift with thanksgiving & blessed Providence, who on the the slender stock of flower, had placed this [limpid?] [draught?] in the midst of unwholesome marshes.

Thus is Hope found, in hearts corroded by sorrow, Thus virtue blooms amidst the miseries of life. -

ib. -

Then shalt not be always [deleted]afflicted[deleted] unhappy, if heaven afflict thee new, it is only to render thee more compassionate to the sufferings of others. The human heart is like that tree which yeilds not its balm for wounded men, untile itself is wounded. - ib --

On the choice of a profession or situation in Life -

I have often thought those happy that have been fixed from the first dawn of thought, in a determination for some state of life by the choice of one whose authority may fore -[?] caprice & whose influence may prejudice them in favor of his opinion. The general precept of consulting the genius is of little use, unless we can be told how the genius can be known. If it is to be discovered only by experiment, life may be lost before the resolution can be fixed; if any other indications are to be found, they may perhaps be very early discerned. At least if to miscarry in an attempt, be a proof of having mistaken the direction of the genius, men appear not less frequently decieved in regard to themselves than to others & therefore no one has much reason to complain that his life was planned out by his friends or to be confident that he should have had more honor or happiness, by being abandoned to the chance of his own fancy. - Every man [deleted]who[deleted] in the choice of his em-ployment or situation must balance all the arguments on both sides; the complication is so intricate, the motives & objections so numerous, there is so much play for the imagination & so much remains in the power of others, that reason is at last forced to rest in neutrality, the decision devolves into the hands of chance & after a great part of life spent in inquiries which can never be resolved the rest must often pass in repenting the unnecessary delay & can be useful to few other purposes than to warn others against the same folly & to show that of two states of life equaly consistant with religion & virtue, he who choses earliest choses best.

Rambler

[not legible]

is [presumed?] to you by the goodness of that God who bestowed you upon me, [it?] may the life he has prolonged be devoted in not a manner as may promote your earthly & eternal happiness, may I be enabled more perfectly to perform all my ditues, then indeed shall I have reason to rejoice that I still live, if by living I can do good.

A fright I recieved from the [?] unexpected firing of a gun, produced a miscarriage - this proves how necessary it is, in the education of children, to attend to their physical as well as moral habits; education [deletion] is not confined to instruc -tion of the mind, but extends [?] to the care of the body, for on its strength, agility, health & activity, greatly depend the same properties of mind. Henceforth I shall most assiduously endeavour to correct this nervous irritability which has been the cause of the disap-pointed hopes over which I now mourn & the [mean?] of endangering my life. I have long & severely suffered from weakness of nerves, but never before so painfuly suffered from its concequences; after this warning I will not rest til some remedy can be found, [inserted]this sensibility[inserted] is a physical disease & must be treated as such; I shall immediaty accustom myself to the report of fire arms. Alass, & on such a slight cause as a sudden noise, does human life depend! Had it not been for this, I might have been the mother of a fine son! During this illness I was very ill, worse I think than at the birth of my dear daughters; tho' perhaps it

was the feelings of my heart, that gave poignancy to the pains of my body: at the birth of my daughters, my heart glowed with rapture, my mind was animated & elevated by hope, & the agony I suffered was wel -comed, yes gladly welcomed as the forerunner of one of the greatest blessings Heaven could bestow. Now how different, every pain but accelerated my misfortune; I had no fortitude to suffer, my spirits were sunk & had it not been for the supporting love of my dearest husband, I know not whether I could have preserved that quiet on which my life depended; for I am persuaded that the least agitation would have been fatal. At last I was relieved from suffering, but was so weak & low, that I was only preserved from fainting by restoratives which my dear sister ap-plied. I lay near two hours, too weak to converse, but my mind was as clear & active as in full health & I felt perfectly resigned to that death which I believed inevitable; I wished to embrace you my dear girls, to weep over you for the last time, & to give you into the arms of your father, but if I awaked you, your cries would have disturbed my last moments & you were two young to benefit from the scene.

But it pleased providence to prolong my life & I gradualy regained my strength once more I saw the return of that day to which I had [?] [?], then fell into a sweet sleep from which I awoke much refreshed. It required great effort to repress that sorrow which my loss inflicted, in addition to my extreme fondness for children, I felt all a mothers fondness for this little being of whom I was benefit. But I over came all repining, by reflecting on the blessings which were still mine. For several days my kind [Maria?] took charge of the house & children below stairs, & kept all quiet & still, while my best friend took his station in my room which for several days he never left 20 minutes at a time. I did not think it possible he could have per-formed the office of nurse, but what will not affection do! Never was there one more watchful faithful & affectionate. In the silence & [?] in which I was for some days, I had [?] & inclination for serious reflection, & I trust these reflections will prove salutory for many years to come. I felt as if I had commenced a new term of existence, as if I was begining life anew. Dear children how kind is Providence to your mother; events that at first seem afflictive, are by his goodness trans-